Woman who treated herself to takeaway now treating herself to six hours on toilet 

A WOMAN who treated herself to a ‘cheeky takeaway’ is subsequently indulging herself in a cheeky bout of gastroenteritis, she has confirmed. 

Admin assistant Nikki Hollis decided that, since it was payday, she would spoil herself with a curry from her favourite local followed by a gruelling six-hour workout of her intestinal system.

She said: “Day off? Curry for lunch? Don’t mind if I do.

“On the positive side, I’m losing weight, it’s given me time to think, and I’m sure I’ll really appeciate my good health once the uncontrollable diarrhoea stops.

“On the negative side I’m lonely, wracked with pain and it’s not really a life lesson that can be easily Instagrammed.

“Still, all part of the experience.”

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How aggressive are the notes you leave on car windscreens?

YOU wouldn’t be British if you didn’t scrawl furious notes and leave them under others’ windscreen wipers, but are they aggressive enough? Take our quiz: 

Do you open: 

a) Dear Bastard
b) Dear Stupid Bastard
c) To Mr Stupid Bastard and/or Miss Dumb Bitch

How much do you assume you know about the driver? 

a) Enough to know they shouldn’t have fucking parked there
b) Enough to know they have parked there because they’re a fucking dick
c) Everything, which makes parking there like a fucking dick exactly the kind of arsehole thing they always do and means they need to learn

Do you accuse the driver of: 

a) Their specific crime, on this occasion, which could be an one-off error
b) Knowing exactly what your situation is and that you needed to get home early with a one-year-old with a cold
c) Being everything wrong with Britain today, and Brexit

Is your note written in: 

a) Lower case with capitals where grammatically correct

Is your note: 

a) Going viral locally
b) Going viral nationwide
c) In the Daily Mail as an example of why we should bring back hanging


Mostly a: You were right to say something

Mostly b: It was about 50-50, looking back

Mostly c: You were completely and totally in the wrong but will never, ever admit it