Darling Tells Idiots To Help Themselves

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has this morning opened the vaults at the Bank of England and urged Britain's idiots to help themselves.

An idiot with a wheelbarrow

The government agreed to the unprecedented £50 billion giveaway after a period of intense lobbying by a group of people who are terrible at running their businesses.

Mr Darling said the move would boost the economy by allowing banks to restart their idiotic policy of lending money to idiot borrowers.

Meanwhile, some of the financial industry's most senior morons queued outside the Bank overnight, hoping to pick up lots of fresh money as soon as the doors opened.

Andy Hornby, chief executive of HBOS said: "I has got a wheelbarrow, a shovel and one of them hard yellow hats. Look at me, I'm Bob the Builder! 'Course I'll be shovellin' tenners, instead of gravel and stuff."

Meanwhile, Lloyds TSB chief Eric Daniels, said: "I heard they got one of them billion pound notes in there. Imagine that! D'you think they'll let me have it? Promise I won't do nothin' stupid with it."

Mr Darling said that although each idiot was limited to one visit a day, they will be given 10 minutes to fill their bags, wheelbarrows and shopping trolleys with as much money as possible.

The chancellor added: "This may seem like I'm just giving away free money to halfwits.

"But there are rigorous safeguards in place so if things do go wrong the Labour Party ends up with the deeds to your house."