Darling Tells Idiots To Help Themselves

CHANCELLOR Alistair Darling has this morning opened the vaults at the Bank of England and urged Britain's idiots to help themselves.

The government agreed to the unprecedented £50 billion giveaway after a period of intense lobbying by a group of people who are terrible at running their businesses.

Mr Darling said the move would boost the economy by allowing banks to restart their idiotic policy of lending money to idiot borrowers.

Meanwhile, some of the financial industry's most senior morons queued outside the Bank overnight, hoping to pick up lots of fresh money as soon as the doors opened.

Andy Hornby, chief executive of HBOS said: "I has got a wheelbarrow, a shovel and one of them hard yellow hats. Look at me, I'm Bob the Builder! 'Course I'll be shovellin' tenners, instead of gravel and stuff."

Meanwhile, Lloyds TSB chief Eric Daniels, said: "I heard they got one of them billion pound notes in there. Imagine that! D'you think they'll let me have it? Promise I won't do nothin' stupid with it."

Mr Darling said that although each idiot was limited to one visit a day, they will be given 10 minutes to fill their bags, wheelbarrows and shopping trolleys with as much money as possible.

The chancellor added: "This may seem like I'm just giving away free money to halfwits.

"But there are rigorous safeguards in place so if things do go wrong the Labour Party ends up with the deeds to your house."

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One Woman's Week: Three Cheers For China

By Karen Fenessey 

To be honest, I couldn’t really care less about what the shaven monks of Tibet are banging on about. They claim they’ve been oppressed in the past, but, even if this were true, it is still shocking sportsmanship to let that get in the way of such an esteemed event as the Olympics. 

Some may be aware of their 'peaceful' protest marches in which they claim they’re fighting oppression. Well, as far as I can tell, the only thing they’re fighting is health itself, and the only race which is being oppressed now is the 400 metre hurdles.

My boyfriend, Donny, went out to fetch me some soy sauce last week, and returned wearing a ridiculous badge that was urging me to 'free Tibet'. After I’d ripped it from his lapel and severely reprimanded him, I demanded to know who he’d got it from so I could go and berate that person also.

It came as no surprise to me that Donny had been approached by a cult member in the street, and would have no doubt been brainwashed by sundown had I not the presence of mind to remove that badge and carefully dispose of it.

You see, these cultists can spot people like Donny at a hundred paces (by which, I mean they can spot the 'weak minded'). They say the Dalai Lama is a living god on earth, but I must ask: what kind of living god sends his followers to stand for hours outside HMV trying to force poor Donny to join some kind of evil sect and pass pieces of foliage off as 'lucky'? The answer is: a totally shit living god, and certainly not like the real living God, who lives in heaven and takes the waters with Mother Theresa and the Popes of yore.

So in that regard, I think it’s not only understandable, but necessary, that the Chinese government take that orangey cretin down a peg or two. Our country is in enough trouble when there are dolts like Donny wandering the streets in search of salty condiments without the Dalai Lama and his gang of misfits trying to sabotage the Olympics and create even more laziness, obesity and general ugliness in our primary schools.

Leave the Olympics alone. You don’t hear about the long jump pointing a gun in someone’s face, or synchronised swimming herding billions of Jews into concentration camps. Tibetans have had all the time in the world to start kicking up a stink about their boring issues, so why have they chosen now to do it? The answer is threefold: because they are jealous, because they are terrorists and because they don’t exercise enough