Tuesday, 11th May 2021

Depressed high streets merger creates 'charity vape betting shops'

A MERGER of crap businesses on Britain’s failing high streets has created the brand-new ‘charity vape betting shop’.

The shops - which are flourishing in the 90 per cent of the country classed as ‘deprived’ - allow customers to browse second-hand clothing, load up on liquid nicotine and lose £20 on a fixed-odds betting machine all in one place.

Hard-up vaper and gambler Stephen Malley said: “It’s bloody brilliant. I don’t know why nobody’s thought of it before.

“It’s such a bloody drag trailing in and out of three different shops when you could have one shop catering exclusively to the lowest common denominator, ie. me.

“Now I can have a chat at the counter about whether the new vanilla pod liquid’s better than strawberry mint, have a look if there’s any Jack Reacher books I’ve not read, and put a bet on Fancy Rodent in the 3.45 at Doncaster, all in one place.

“They haven’t quite got the staff right yet. I don’t need old ladies cooing ‘oh, how lovely’ when I put £10 on Kane to score first in the North London derby, but this is the best idea since supermarkets forced literally everyone else out of business.”