Don't get too attached to your house, warn banks

BANKS have advised you, in the light of the ongoing banking crisis, not to get too comfortable in your house because they may need it back. 

Following the emergency rescue of Credit Suisse, the Bank of England has claimed the country is safe and sound with the minor caveat that anyone who relies in any way on the banking system may soon lose their home and all of their possessions.

A spokesman said: “Enjoy it while you’ve got it, that’s all we’re saying. After all, you never know what’s around the corner.

“If, hypothetically, every financial institution in the world is exposed to the same risks as Credit Suisse because bankers got bored and had a flutter, there may be repossessions. You read the small print in your mortgage, right?

“Experts aren’t forecasting a 2008-style recession, just like they didn’t in 2008, so no need to worry. But maybe take a few photos and do a little filming just so you’ve got the memories.

“Hey, we’ve had some good times though, haven’t we? Well we have. For you guys it’s been austerity and wage stagnation. But trust us, they’ll be good times compared to what’s coming.”

Homeowner Martin Bishop said: “On the one hand I don’t want to live in a tent, on the other I can’t be arsed finishing decorating the spare room, so swings and roundabouts.”

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The 12 most awkward places to have your proposal turned down

PROPOSING? Why not maximise the humiliation of rejection by asking for her hand in marriage in these locations?

The London Eye: ‘Will you marry me?’ you ask, high above the Thames? ‘No,’ she says. Now you’re trapped in a pod with a dozen strangers gazing in intense silence at the capital’s skyline. A child says ‘Is that the Shard?’ and is shushed.

A sporting event: Crowds at football matches aren’t renowned for their empathy. Feel the laughter of thousands of pissed twats rain down on you.

Someone else’s wedding: Why not ruin, not just your relationship, but a childhood friend’s big day by trying to steal their thunder? And getting turned down?

Site of first shag: Romantic in principle but proposing in the Burger King car-park where you first drunkenly humped is inviting her to press the reset button.

Busy street: Using public peer pressure to tip the balance in favour of your proposal is profoundly bleak. A bystander’s video of your heart breaking in Leicester Square will go viral.

On a plane: You’re now trapped on a flight to Barbados beside someone who has made it clear they don’t want to spend their lives with you. Drown your sorrows with tiny tubs of Pringles at £5 each.

Wetherspoons: The whole pub will scream ‘Wahey’ when you’re turned down, as if someone dropped a glass. There’s also a strong possibility that when you got down on one knee it stuck to the carpet.

Harry Potter Studio Tours: You thought being rejected was low. You look up to see a middle-aged man dressed as Ron Weasley who came here alone looking at you with pity in his eyes. Rock bottom.

On a mountaintop: Enjoy making tense small-talk with a woman who does not view you as a worthy life partner as you make your four-hour descent.

Funeral: Aside from being deeply, deeply inappropriate, this will lead to a punch-up, the police being called and a story in a local newspaper.

Hot-air balloon: There is nothing more awkward than silently floating above Warwickshire in a small wicker basket with a woman who’s shunned you and a hot-air balloon pilot.

At a concert: If all goes well, it seems amazingly romantic. Unfortunately, she said no, and now your favourite band will always remember you as the loser who killed the vibe.