How to power through a pint that tastes like warm dog piss

ORDERED a pint only to discover it tastes bloody awful? Instead of sending it back, grit your teeth and suffer your way through all 20 disgusting fluid ounces with this guide.

Hold your nose

According to received wisdom, this simple trick should deactivate your taste buds and make the horrible pint you blew a fiver on more palatable. Sadly, it’s bullshit. You’ll still be able to pick up every disgusting flavour, plus you’ll look like a f**king idiot. It might trick your brain into not puking though, so it’s worth a try.

Think of a delicious pint

Knocking back a revolting pint is all about mind over matter. Forget about the fact that you’re quaffing a large quantity of what tastes like stale toilet water. Instead picture the sexiest pint with the fittest head and a bead of condensation rolling down its curved figure. Imagine how good it would feel to drink that, and don’t stop imagining it.

Invite someone else to have a taste

Don’t carry the burden of a stomach-churning pint by yourself, invite a friend to have a taste. A bloody big taste. Preferably at least three hearty mouthfuls. If they kick up a fuss, egg them on by saying you really want their considered opinion. If you’re lucky they’ll drink half of it for you. Just make sure they don’t buy you another one.

Try to get bumped into

Usually a spilled drink is grounds for a punch in the face. But if you’re struggling to work your way through a sickening pint, it’s a blessing. Hang around the bar with your drinking elbow stuck out at a precarious angle, and when someone so much as brushes your arm hurl your glass at the floor.

Down it in one

Try not to make the misery last a second longer than it needs to. Stare your enemy straight in the face, then knock it back in one swift motion before its horrific taste registers. This is the drinking equivalent of yanking off a waxing strip and is even more unpleasant, but with any luck it’ll be over in seconds. You’re free to buy a nice pint now.

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How to be a twat taking a photo in public

WANT to inflict maximum inconvenience on anyone nearby when you’re taking a photo? Here’s how:

Location, location, location

Find a busy pedestrian bottleneck near a feature of interest and stand right in the middle of it. Announce loudly that you’re taking a photo and leave no space for anyone to get past. The general public are courteous up to a point, so they will wait ten seconds for you to take the picture and then push past, muttering ‘Prick’ under their breath.

Never rush composing

Composition is the key to a good picture, so take as long as you need telling people where to stand and loudly tutting at any random member of the public getting in the way of your masterpiece. As if them getting to work on time is as important as you taking an arty long exposure shot of your family right outside the entrance to King’s Cross station.

Be a technical f**kwit

Cameras are no longer point-and-click boxes, especially on phones with numerous settings. Spend ages fannying about with zoom, flash and filters, before realising you need to delete 300 pictures to make room in the memory. When you’re finally happy with the settings you’ll end up accidentally doing a video and having to start again, by which time the beautiful sunset other people were also hoping to photograph from this vantage point will have gone.

Hog the best spots

You want to take a photo of your kids standing in front of a tiger at the zoo, but it only paces by once every ten minutes. Rather than taking one picture, hoping it’s good and moving out of the way for the next family, hog the space and don’t let your cold, bored children go anywhere, while the other parents grow increasingly pissed off and start murmuring about decking you.

Dick about taking selfies

If you aren’t making enough of a nuisance of yourself taking pictures of other people, try taking some of yourself. As you stumble around attempting to get both your face and the Angel of the North in shot you’ll walk into several people, stand on someone else’s feet, elbow an old lady in the back and finally trip over a baby in a buggy. And your photo will still be shit.