WHAT do you mean, £3,000 for a handbag seems a bit steep? It’s perfectly normal in the world of a Sunday supplement, as are these other items:
A £3,000 bag
This season’s ‘must have’ item and incredibly ugly, as many high fashion things seem to be. Luckily the f**king ridiculous price makes it clear that the people who own one are much better that the average povvo pleb, which won’t happen if you’re clutching a £9.99 Primark rucksack.
A horribly decorated house
There’s a five-page feature on an Edwardian house in Hove that’s covered in green paint, aggressively loud leaf-patterned wallpaper and vermilion velvet upholstery, and has a wall dedicated to vintage curios including a genuine Victorian speculum. You think it looks hideous but it belongs to an incredibly wealthy couple who describe themselves as ‘lifestyle consultants’ so you must be wrong.
A UK mini-break for £595 a night
This gorgeous low-ceilinged Michelin-starred gastropub near Tavistock offers bijou little rooms and a private hot tub with plunge pool, and the travel editor got their stay for free in exchange for writing about it. The low wooden beams will give you concussion, which will at least help you forget that it is costing £595 a night to sleep in a creepy old building on a rain-lashed moor.
Posh people with small businesses
Lady Chloe De Fleuthoffen relaxes in her exquisite Cotswolds farmhouse full of quirky erotic art and flowers in jam jars, while constantly referencing her range of new printed tableware starting from £75 a napkin. On the next page is Bronson Fetherstone-Hault, who keeps a herd of bison on his family estate in Norfolk and makes award-winning artisanal mozzarella that’s only available from Fortnum & Mason.
Ugly rattan chairs
Are rattan chairs in again, or was the features editor getting a bit desperate and decided to do a splash featuring a selection of models reclining in them, including a token old person because they’re painfully aware of their readership? It doesn’t matter, they’re just grateful to have filled a few more pages with this nonsense.
