BEEN invited to a friend’s for dinner? Here’s how to get right on their tits with some deeply annoying and socially inept behaviour:
Spark up while they’re cooking
You resent the smoking ban in pubs and restaurants so it’s nice to go to someone’s home where such draconian nanny state rules don’t apply. They hate smoking but don’t let that stop you lighting a fag right next to the semi-prepared food. You’re considerate enough not to flick fag ash on the floor, so that spoon rest next to the cooker will make an ideal makeshift ashtray.
Don’t take any booze
They’re the hosts, which means the onus is on them to provide food and booze so don’t bother picking anything up en route. Turn up empty-handed and knock back a bottle of their vintage Beaujolais before the starters even make it to the table. They won’t mind your lack of social etiquette and will be delighted to see their guests getting into the party spirit. And if they don’t, why the hell have they invited you over?
Loiter in the kitchen
They’ll be perfectly at ease exchanging banal chit-chat while simultaneously juggling three simmering pans, checking the beef bourguignon and picking meat from a crab. In fact, it’s bloody good of you to keep them company while they slave away. Just be sure to position yourself right in the way of everything they’re trying to do to ensure you have their full attention.
Share your troubles over the dinner table
Dinner parties are all about convivial chatter, so everyone is bound to be fascinated as you regale them with tales of how under-appreciated you are at the office and the development of your athlete’s foot infection, especially while they’re trying to eat. Avoid boring conversation killers like asking how their kids are, nobody wants to hear that shit when they could be hearing your deliberately provocative opinion on the government’s immigration bill.
Overstay your welcome
The other guests politely grabbed their coats, offered profuse thanks and left just after 11pm, the lightweights. Yes, your hosts look knackered after spending all evening entertaining, but they’ll get their second wind soon. It’s only 1.27am after all.