Sparking up in the kitchen: How to be a pain-in-the-arse dinner party guest

BEEN invited to a friend’s for dinner? Here’s how to get right on their tits with some deeply annoying and socially inept behaviour:

Spark up while they’re cooking

You resent the smoking ban in pubs and restaurants so it’s nice to go to someone’s home where such draconian nanny state rules don’t apply. They hate smoking but don’t let that stop you lighting a fag right next to the semi-prepared food. You’re considerate enough not to flick fag ash on the floor, so that spoon rest next to the cooker will make an ideal makeshift ashtray.

Don’t take any booze

They’re the hosts, which means the onus is on them to provide food and booze so don’t bother picking anything up en route. Turn up empty-handed and knock back a bottle of their vintage Beaujolais before the starters even make it to the table. They won’t mind your lack of social etiquette and will be delighted to see their guests getting into the party spirit. And if they don’t, why the hell have they invited you over?

Loiter in the kitchen

They’ll be perfectly at ease exchanging banal chit-chat while simultaneously juggling three simmering pans, checking the beef bourguignon and picking meat from a crab. In fact, it’s bloody good of you to keep them company while they slave away. Just be sure to position yourself right in the way of everything they’re trying to do to ensure you have their full attention.

Share your troubles over the dinner table

Dinner parties are all about convivial chatter, so everyone is bound to be fascinated as you regale them with tales of how under-appreciated you are at the office and the development of your athlete’s foot infection, especially while they’re trying to eat. Avoid boring conversation killers like asking how their kids are, nobody wants to hear that shit when they could be hearing your deliberately provocative opinion on the government’s immigration bill.

Overstay your welcome

The other guests politely grabbed their coats, offered profuse thanks and left just after 11pm, the lightweights. Yes, your hosts look knackered after spending all evening entertaining, but they’ll get their second wind soon. It’s only 1.27am after all.

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Landlord dearly wishes his wasn't a Sky Sports pub

THE landlord of a pub would give anything for it not to be a Sky f**king Sports one.

Tom Logan, proprietor of the Royal Standard in Reading, enjoys his job except when there is a live football game on which is all the f**king time.

He said: “I thought it’d be fun, like Shane Richie in the Queen Vic. But not when I wake up on a Saturday knowing I’ve got Spurs fans flooding in for 3pm and Chelsea fans for half-five.

“Sure, I’ll make shitloads of money. But is it worth it to have those belligerent twats in replica shirts sitting there like they own the bloody place, cheering every goal like they scored the bastard and taking every defeat personally?

“Where’s the cheery banter? Where’s the camaraderie? Instead I’m shovelling Stella down thick necks while they whinge about needing a new chairman because they only spent £140 million last summer.

“On a Super Sunday I get eight consecutive hours of the twats. Even when the middle game’s only Southampton versus Leicester or some shit they just stay and drink through it. They could afford Sky Sports at home for the amount they spend on booze.”

He added: “Mind you, I tried showing The Ashes once. Never met a bigger crowd of arseholes.”