Having the big bedroom, and six other things you'll never forgive your sibling for

THEIR bedroom was big enough for a settee. Yours was barely big enough for a bed. For that reason, and these, they will never be forgiven:

Bedroom size

All three-bedroom houses have two decent rooms and one tiny one, but why was the tiny one yours? For nine years, even when your sister moved out? And she had a telly, and her own Mickey Mouse phone. Even now the bile rises at the very thought.


You got grounded for a month for smoking weed and were ordered to dump your boyfriend for snogging him on the front step. Your younger brother’s girlfriend was allowed to stay in his room when they both staggered home tripping on MDMA. It’s the injustice that hurts.

Being a moody twat

The whole household spent five years tiptoeing in the shadow of your sister’s black moods, fearful of setting off another month-long strop. You were forced to have an untroubled adolescence by default. And she’s still the same arsehole now.

Being a swot

‘Your sister always does her homework on time’, ‘Your sister never gets detentions’, ‘Your sister got six A-stars in her GCSEs’. Your sister was ugly and unpopular with no social life, and that got used as a stick to beat you with? How’s that fair?

Breaking your bike

You were only little, so you giggled along with your brother and his mates while they did wheelies and jumps on your bike, including a spectacular one off the garage roof. Then they all went off laughing to the park, leaving you with a f**ked bike. Bastard.

Cannibalising your Lego

A piece at a time, so slowly you didn’t notice, all the bits of your spaceship were nicked to replace the bits he’d lost. To this day he swears blind it never happened but it did, and you will have your revenge.


Ultimately life was good, until she came along and it got much, much f**king worse. You had to share your toys, Dad was too tired to be fun, you couldn’t even play Sonic without giving her a turn. You’ve resented the bitch ever since. She should never have been born.

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Londoner gleefully pointing out inaccuracies in film's depiction of London

A MAN who has lived in London for three years spent the duration of a film smugly pointing out its geographical inaccuracies.

Oliver O’Connor, who was born in Cirencester, scoffed when a character hailed a cab in an unfeasible location and then laughed at her tragic death which allegedly took place in Regent’s Park but was clearly Clapham Common.

O’Connor said: “I could accept the plot being about escaping from an alien invasion, but even in those circumstances you couldn’t take the Northern Line from St Paul’s to Trafalgar Square. That’s bloody ridiculous.

“The headquarters of the secret mind-control organisation was supposed to be in Westminster even though it was clearly in Camden in a building that I know for a fact is actually a Pizza Express.

“And then, ludicrously, the chief necromancer flies his underwater hoverbike into the Thames at Greenwich and pops out again 10 seconds later to fight the giant extraterrestrial kraken by Vauxhall Bridge. How am I meant to believe that? It would take at least ten minutes to get there.”

O’Connor’s girlfriend Emma Bradford said: “His entire personality is living in London. I’m hoping he’ll break up with me if I ask him whether Stratford is near Leeds.”