Pubs overrun with cultural appropriation

ENGLISH pubs are today awash with tacky hijackings of hallowed Irish culture, it has emerged.

Hostelries across the country are swarming with fake leprechaun beards and green, comically-oversized ‘Irish’ hats, even trendy London pubs which pretend to know better.

Barman Wayne Hayes said: “Decking out a pub in tricolours and four-leaf clovers to make a quick buck is quite offensive if you think about it for a second. Which is why I don’t.

“Putting on an unconvincing accent would be unacceptable if it was any other nationality. Christ, you’d have the cops round if it was Jamaica or China. Maybe the Irish are the exception which proves the rule in this strange, increasingly sensitive world?

“You’d get your teeth kicked out on Saint Andrew’s Day if you greeted Scottish people with a cheery ‘Hoots mon’. But anyone can say ‘Top o’ the morning to ya, begorrah’ while dressed head-to-toe in green and nobody gives a shit. It’s weird.”

Englishman Nathan Muir said: “We get to enjoy Irish culture without worrying about the context? Sounds like a good Friday agreement to me!”

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Six poignant songs of lost love that deserve f**k all sympathy

MUSIC is full of heartfelt outpourings about lost love and heartache. But sometimes the lyrics make it crystal clear they had it coming and deserve to suffer.

Someone Like You, Adele

‘I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited/ But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.’ No, because you’re weapons-grade bunny boiler material with more red flags than a Putin rally. Save your sympathy for her poor ex, now happily married to someone normal. He’s been dragged out of bed at 2am by shitfaced Adele on the doorstep, and his wife’s calling the police before sitting down to grill him to f**k with accusations that he’s still shagging her.

Careless Whisper, George Michael 

‘Should’ve known better than to cheat a friend,’ warbles George, before going on to blame his woes on the ‘careless whispers’ of a mate, not his own infidelity. ‘To the heart and mind, ignorance is kind’ doesn’t make it okay to play away, and fixating on the fact that he’s got no one to dance with now is clear narcissistic personality disorder. You dodged a bullet there, hun.

Bye, Bye, Baby, Bay City Rollers

Another pitiful plea for sympathy from a bloke who’s been sticking it where he shouldn’t. ‘Should have told her that I can’t linger/ There’s a wedding ring on my finger.’ Though he probably regularly took it off when he fancied a bit on the side. You’d think they’d have no chance in those f**king stupid tartan trousers, but this was the 70s and good taste wasn’t exactly in plentiful supply.

Nothing Compares 2 U, Sinead O’Connor

So bloody self-pitying you want to give her a good shake, and Prince. ‘It’s been seven hours and 15 days/ Since you took your love away.’ Not trying that hard to move on, are you? Pity her friends fielding the tearful phone calls. ‘He’s left me again, I need another shoulder to sob on.’ ‘Sorry, I’m shampooing the cat tonight. You’re breaking up, I can’t hear you… hello?’ Before hanging up in guilty relief. There’s plenty more fish in the sea, Sinead. We’ve all been there. Have a pint.

Yesterday, The Beatles

‘Why she had to go, I don’t know, she wouldn’t say/ I said something wrong, now I long for yesterday.’ Basically your own fault, then. Did you even ask? Apologise? There’s nothing on record, so to speak, to indicate either. Plus the fact that it’s impossible to garner any sort of sympathy for someone who went on to inflict the f**king Frog Chorus on the world.

You’re Beautiful, James Blunt

In this modern age of gender equality it’s heartening to know that men can be scary bunny boilers too. Girl smiles innocently at boy on subway, boy forms psychotic obsession with her. ‘I saw your face in a crowded place/ And I don’t know what to do/ ‘Cause I’ll never be with you.’ Probably for the best as she’s taking out an injunction on you and her boyfriend wants to kick your head in. Get over her, make some life changes, join the army maybe. Shit, is that how he ended up in Bosnia?