Middle-class woman eager to tell everyone she went to shit comprehensive

A MIDDLE-CLASS woman never misses an opportunity to ‘casually’ mention that she went to a crappy state school. 

Francesca Johnson shoehorns the topic into conversation with the flimsiest excuse, such as seeing a child on TV, while tending not to mention her family’s boat or childhood skiing holidays.

Le Creuset cookware owner Johnson said: ‘I can never thank my parents enough for the start they gave me in life. For giving me this opportunity to play down how privileged I am.

“People see my zebra wood floors, my pizza oven, my M&S-bought grapes and they assume I’m a clueless middle-class person. But I’m much more than that – I’m a clueless middle-class person who had board rubbers thrown at her as a teenager for ‘speaking posh’.”

Friend Carolyn Ryan said: “Francesca is fooling nobody. We’re talking about a woman whose preferred shortening of her name is Cesca. Nobody is mistaking her for being lower-class. 

“Going to a shit school like the rest of us doesn’t prove she’s beaten the odds, because she had loads of private tutors. It just shows her parents were too tight to pay the fees for a posho school.”

Johnson added: “When I have children of my own, I’ll pass on this gift by moving to the catchment area of the shittest local school where you get your head kicked in for even looking at a sum.”

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Government reaches deal with nurses it could have reached three f**king months ago

THE government has put nurses, the NHS and the public through three months of entirely unnecessary inconvenience, it has confirmed.

Following a pay breakthrough which could have been made in December, Rishi Sunak has been congratulated for wasting everyone’s f**king time for no f**king reason whatsoever.

Nurse Carolyn Ryan said: “What was the point of that? Anyone?

“I’m a parent, and if you’re going to give in and let your kid have the lolly just do it. Don’t spend ages insisting you definitely won’t then give in. That’s just counterproductive all the way around.

“It was obvious you’d have to. Inflation’s at ten per cent. We’re therefore being paid ten per cent less. What took three months? Was it a point of principle to cave in to Lineker first?

“My message to junior doctors, paramedics, postmen, the passport office, border control and all the rest is keep doing it and you’ll get paid eventually. They’re just committed to f**king everyone about.”

A Downing Street spokesperson said: “We do it to look hard in front of Daily Mail readers. Now, how do you nurses want your money paid?”