Dress-down Friday a total shitshow

THE hot weather has turned casual Friday in offices around the UK into a riot of inappropriate clothing, workers have confirmed. 

Workplaces scandalised by displays of flesh and horrendous fashion choices have seen productivity drop to almost zero because employees are alternately covering their eyes and ogling.

HR manager Carolyn Ryan said: “Manager Paul came into the office in his Lycra, and we assumed he’d get changed after his bike ride into his usual jeans-and-polo.

“He didn’t. Sat there, going through the expenses, in full Lycra. He didn’t even cycle in. Too hot.

“Meanwhile the girl in payroll is literally wearing a crop top over a bikini, like she’s on her way to the beach, and Adele who retires next month is in Daisy Dukes and a see-through blouse.

“Dave from IT? Shirt unbuttoned to navel. Sharon in marketing? No bra. And we’re hearing rumours that Martin, managing director Martin, ‘fell out’ of his shorts while checking for toner.”

Ryan added: “Still. If we can look each other in the eye after the Christmas party, we can get over this.”

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NHS to recruit debutante heiress nurses

STUDENT nurses are to be recruited from the society pages of Tatler after the withdrawal of bursaries. 

Following the government’s decision to remove financial help for nursing students, all new nurses must be able to prove they are independently wealthy and own at least one horse.

NHS recruiter Eleanor Shaw said: “We’re setting up stands at Glyndebourne, Henley Regatta and on several leading grouse moors, and we hope to have 1,500 braying Sloanes on staff by October.

“Channel 4 is already making the mash-up 24 Hours in A&E in Chelsea, where Binky treats a pensioner’s fistula while rowing with Jamie about choosing a party caterer by Skype.

“Soon, every British person suffering a serious illness will be treated by a guffawing privately-educated rah with an overbite who’s only doing this because PR is so over.”

Mary Fisher-Archer of Knightsbridge said: “Oh wows, you’ve broken a hip. How awfully awful for you.”