Drug lords furious as HSBC withdraws 'Cartel Plus' account

THE withdrawal of HSBC’s Cartel Plus account has left Mexico’s drug lords saddled with inconvenient cash.

AS the bank agreed to pay a £1.2bn fine following a money-laundering probe, it withdrew its popular ‘gang boss-only’ current account.

The Cartel Plus product offered a choice of introductory firearms, health insurance for shoot-out injuries and a free directory of judges’ home addresses.

Gang boss ‘El Guapo’ said: “They’ve closed my Cartel Plus and moved my ill-gotten millions into a standard current account with a piss poor interest rate.

“I’ve looked at Cash ISAs but they’re not really suitable for vast sums of drug money. And there’s nothing on moneysavingexpert.com about laundering options.

“All the drug lords are really annoyed about this. I’ve got a massive shipment of narcotics crossing the border at 4.45am so I hope my PIN number still works because I need cash to bribe the guards.”

He added: “I’ve a good mind to visit my local HSBC and give them some grenade-based feedback.”

Consumer affairs expert Tom Logan said: “If you’re opening a crime-based account make sure to check the small print because they can be closed without notice.

“Alternately you could use a private launderer but your money may not be safe if your contact’s decapitated body is found floating in a reservoir.

“However a lot of high street banks will launder cash, if you tell them your nan died and left you a suitcase containing $30 million in unmarked notes.”



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Stephen Hawking to spend £1.8 million on scratchcards



THEORETICAL physicist Stephen Hawking is to spend his £1.8m science prize money on scratchcards.

Hawking, who received the seven-figure sum as winner of the Special Fundamental Physics Award, said: “I’m going straight down the post office to buy a massive selection of all the different types of scratchies.

“The prizes you can win on scratchcards are amazing, plus they’re a lot of fun.

“According to maths I will at least triple my original stake.”