FATHERS emboldened by the Christmas John Lewis advert have told their children how deeply they resent being dragged away from lives of ecstatic hedonism. 

The advert, which sees a man given a house record flashback to when he used to spend every Saturday on the dancefloor f**ked off his f**king face, has helped thousands of ex-raver dads reconnect with their towering bitterness that it all had to end.

Tom Booker of Swindon told his 14-year-old son: “Friday night down the pub, Saturday in a club, Sunday on a weed-smoking comedown. That’s what you took from me.

“It’s just like in the advert: suddenly the dancefloor was deserted and there was a bloody baby there demanding all my attention. The party was over and replaced with something far, far less fulfilling.

“Now I live in a tasteful house with Bauhaus prints on the wall and a moody teenager still wearing his headphones even on Christmas morning, and let me tell you it’s nowhere near as good. Even when I do a dab of MDMA I feel shit for days.

“Yes, John Lewis have connected with a whole generation and made them feel miserable. Overpriced twats. I’m not buying my wife’s slippers from there.”

He added: “And Alison Limerick? Basic. Get me the white label of Paul Weller’s Heliocentric, the Swordsman mix, and I might grudgingly like you.”