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AI, vaping, never getting a mortgage: the subjects added to the school curriculum

THE English curriculum is to be changed to remove double Latin with Michael Gove to instead reflect the realities of the 21st century. These are the new subjects: 

AI

Artificial intelligence is embedding itself into everyday life to the point where you cannot turn on a f**king tap without it, so children must be educated. The new syllabus will teach pupils the difference between actual art and slop, that an AI is not your girlfriend and how to politely explain to their future boss that using AI on this project will never, ever work.

Vaping

Children will be taught at exhausting length why vaping is uncool and harmful to their street cred. Former vapers will speak in assemblies about how puffing away on strawberry-scented clouds destroyed their friendships, and youth counsellors will hand out pamphlets explaining why it’s far better for their image to get into weed, or at least rollies.

Never getting a mortgage

No amount of budgeting will get today’s children on the housing ladder. To make this information more palatable, new lessons will explain how mortgages are as scientifically impossible as perpetual motion machines. Once children realise mortgages are unobtainable, they’ll be content with their future of paying them by proxy for older generations.

Living with climate change

Climate change is the new normal. Lessons sponsored by BP will explain why fossil fuels are worth mass extinction and rising sea levels will bring the beach to you. Top marks will be awarded to pupils who explain why recycling is useless and point out that Earth’s climate goes through natural cycles anyway so it’s fine.

How to forage porn

Sourcing filth is a rite of passage for hormonal teens, but online age verification checks have made this very slightly more difficult. To combat this, elder Millennials and Gen Xers will give educational talks about the top shelves of newsagents. By 2036, every school leaver will be able to spot a used Razzle in a bush from a hundred metres.

Why fascism’s great

The quaint old curriculum of the past got fascism all wrong. The whole world is lurching far right, meaning schools must sing from the same state-mandated hymn sheet. Lessons will explain how winning World War Two was ultimately wrong, and homework will teach kids to examine their parents for signs of wokeness. Anyone failing will vanish without trace.

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I am now as terrified of stepping outside in New York as I am in London, say tough, manly right-wingers

BUTCH, aggressive right-wing men are now as petrified of spending even a moment outside in New York as they already were in London. 

The men, who are extremely proud of their musculature, disregard for others’ feelings and traditional masculinity, cower like terrified chickens at the mere thought of walking the streets of cities with brown-skinned mayors.

Joe Turner, an American whose YouTube videos about how the streets of Bloomsbury reduce him to a shaking, incontinent wreck were a big hit this summer, confirms he plans a similar series about Manhattan for his tough-guy audience.

He said: “Trump 2028! Whooh! F**k soy boy beta liberals! But seriously, New York is terrifying now and there is not one moment when I am not in fear of my life.

“Despite it being a centre of world capitalism with a population of almost nine million, it is now a deserted wasteland of violent crime where being murdered is a certainty. Just like London under Sadiq Khan. If anyone says they survived a day there, they’re lying.

“In both cities I dared to venture out and within minutes ran home, crying with soiled underpants, begging to go home. And, let me stress again, this is because I am incredibly rugged and macho and inject steroids.”

Upper West Side resident Julian Cook said: “Mm. Meanwhile I’m gay, flamboyant and this afternoon will take my bichon frise Walter on a stroll to a exhibition of ceramics.”

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