Energy firms do compete ‘but in a really horrible way’

ENERGY companies insist they do compete, but over things that are absolutely vile.

The big six providers are facing a competition inquiry even though they try to outdo each other over how many old ladies they can turn blue between October and March.

Issuing individual statements that were exactly the same but 10 minutes apart, the companies said the regulator Ofgem had defined competition in terms of prices rather than human degradation.

The identical statements added: “We have tried to apply some imagination to the idea of competition, but that’s clearly not good enough for the grey bureaucrats at Ofgem.

“If they could open their minds they would see there is a certain magic to competing over things like tears, sleepless nights and how many angry, pitiful letters we receive from our wretched customers.

“We see competition as a vital, living thing. Ofgem wants to take away our spark and turn us all into old ladies, hunched motionless over a tiny bowl of soup.

“There is so much more to competition than the banality of prices. For instance, the way in which you enforce those prices. Do you do it like a feudal baron, or is it more of a ‘Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet‘ kind of thing?”

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My marriage split makes me want to listen to Happy

Dear Holly,

Having recently split from my wife of ten years you would imagine it an ideal time to listen to a bit of Coldplay’s morose back catalogue and shed a few tears of self-pity for a while. However, I’ve found that my current mood is more accurately reflected in the music of Pharrell Williams, specifically his track Happy. Isn’t life just full of surprises?

Chris Martin


Dear Chris,

I don’t really understand why you would want to get married in the first place because then you’d be stuck looking at the same person and smelling their morning dog breath and witnessing their terrible farts every single day. Just because you ‘love’ someone isn’t a good enough reason to share the remote control for eternity. For example, I love chicken nuggets and baked beans but at least I have the presence of mind to know when to call it a day.

Hope that helps!