Crows better than children

CROWS are as intelligent as children and far less hassle to look after, it has been claimed. 

Researchers found that crows’ reasoning ability was equal to that of small children, but that crows did not demand repeated viewings of Madagascar 2.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “If you’re thinking about starting a family, get a crow instead.

“For example, it’s considered ‘inhumane’ to make your kids live in the garden, but with a crow it’s fine. Similarly, you can let a crow leave the house through a window and come back hours later of its own accord.

“Crows have a badass, take-no-shit attitude whereas kids cry all the time about nothing.”


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Smoothie label includes dark sexual fantasies

A MANGO smoothie has admitted having warped desires, via a block of text on its packaging.

Pulped fruit drink Tom Logan shocked shoppers at Waitrose by using its label – the favoured medium of communication for drinks with something to say – to confess to potentially destructive sexual fetishes.

Logan’s label reads: “Hi, I’m a mango smoothie and I like fucking women in really dirty ways.

“As well as being made of 100% fresh fruit, I am into grannies, and get aroused by those adverts in Sunday newspaper magazines for walk-in granny baths.

“Packed with vitamins, I’m two of your five-a-day and I once paid two women to strip off and dance around to techno just wearing WWII gas masks.

“My packaging is fully recyclable, and I want you to use it in the most depraved way you can think of.

“Help me.”

Smoothie drinker Emma Bradford said: “I thought smoothies were the happy, sexless and vitamin-packed friends of humanity.

“I don’t know whether I feel repulsed or weirdly turned on.”

The smoothie signed off its confession with a crudely-drawn picture of the sun with a big smiley face.