Fiennes Leads Expedition To Find Source Of Fucking Gas Prices

WORLD famous explorer Sir Ranulph Fiennes is to lead a one-year expedition to discover why the fuck gas prices keep going up.

The seasoned adventurer warned the expedition was the most difficult and dangerous he had ever undertaken, and that the chances of success were slight.

He will be joined in his quest by a team of 'brave and brilliant' volunteers, including David 'Dr Who' Tennant, Carol Vorderman and Stephen Fry, who have all committed to find the answer, or die in the attempt.

Sir Ranulph said: "We read every day that wholesale gas prices are rising sharply, but if you ask anyone in the industry why they just tap the side of their nose and wink.

"The same gas is coming from the same people and it's summer so we are using less, yet this fuel is now so expensive that poor old ladies have to beg in the street for a cup of gas so they can make tea.

"Some say the gas ships are being dragged under by giant sea serpents or that the Russian gas crop has failed again. Others claim the Germans reserved it all this morning, and won't share.

"The one thing we can rule out is that a bunch of profiteering bastards are hiking the price so they can buy themselves a diamond encrusted tiger each."

He added: "I have been personally charged with this mission by Her Majesty the Queen, whose direct debit has risen from £42 to £63.75 in just six months.

"She wished me godspeed and said: 'Sir Ranulph, find out what the fuck is going on with gas prices. And don't come back until you do. And no potatoes or anything. I've got enough of that shit'."

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Leo Conceived After I Wore A Bag On My Head, Reveals Cherie

CHERIE Blair has revealed how she conceived her fourth child after agreeing to wear a bag on her head.

Mrs Blair said her husband refused to have sex with her until the bag was safely in place and a photograph of Spice Girl Geri Halliwell had been stapled to the front of it.

In her memoirs, Speaking for Money, she writes: "We were at Balmoral, having a lovely supper with the Queen, Tom Cruise and Andre Agassi, when I announced to the entire table that I had forgotten my coil and that perhaps Tony and I should use this opportunity to conceive another child.

"Tony turned to me and said 'I love you, but there's just no way. Either we use a turkey baster or you stick a bag on your head'.

"It was then that Prince Philip suggested we attach a photograph of someone famous to the bag as that 'might help the prime minister to become fully engorged'.

"There was general agreement around the table and people started pitching in with ideas about whose photograph we should use.

"Tom suggested Cameron Diaz, who he had recently worked with on Vanilla Sky, while Andre was adamant we should go with Catherine Zeta Jones. Then dear Prince Philip shouted, 'I know, what about a Spice Girl!'.

"Tony banged the table saying, 'yes, that's the one' and ordered Alistair to fetch a really good close-up of Geri Halliwell with her mouth open.

"Her Majesty then made the very wise observation that if we did it 'doggy-style' Tony could just flip the bag around and have Geri staring back at him all the way through.

"Meanwhile Prince Philip was already clearing a space in the corner of the dining room, but I insisted we go upstairs. There are some things you should keep private."

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