Millionaires Win Stuff

SOME millionaires won some stuff yesterday while some other millionaires did not.

In an empty, soulless climax to the pointless season, a quite old Scottish millionaire and his team of younger millionaires walked around a stadium showing off a piece of metal.

Devoted fan Tom Logan said: "I like to watch millionaires run around while trying to convince myself there is something at stake. It's quite interesting.

"And I'm really pleased that we have won this particular piece of metal thanks to some millionaires who could not point to Manchester on a map."

He added: "Many years ago my father would watch local lads take on some lads from another town and everyone would be proud and excited.

"But unfortunately they weren't millionaires and their wives were all quite plain."

He added: "Now it's better because the players have lucrative sponsorship deals on top of their well-structured three and five year contracts. I'm very happy for them.

"And when I watch them on television the vast array of camera angles helps me convince myself I am being entertained."

Meanwhile at the other end of the meaningless table, some other millionaires were disappointed after they realised they would have to play in a league where not everyone was a millionaire.

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Deprived Children Had Not Paid Licence Fee, Says BBC

THE BBC kept £100,000 it had raised for deprived children after discovering none of them had paid their licence fee, the Corporation said last night.

BBC bosses are demanding an on-screen apology from the children, and warning that if they do not buy a licence immediately they will pass their details to the police.

Mark Thompson, BBC director general, said: "Over the years we’ve raised millions for these kids, minus the usual handling fees, bank charges, agent’s commission, and VAT – and this is how they repay us.

"Do they ever write and say thank-you? Yes, actually a lot of them do, and it’s very useful as we can check all the addresses against our records.

"We knock on the door, the parents deny having a telly, and then we show them little Johnny’s letter about how much he loves watching Shenzo Super Bang-Bang Squad on Cbeebies. It's cuffs on and down the nick."

Gemma Harding, a poor child with leukaemia, said: "I don’t blame the BBC for going after these children. The new series of Strictly Come Dancing on Ice must take priority."

A BBC spokesman said the money would now be used to buy Jonathan Ross a new leopard.