Five things trains would have to do to win you back

NOBODY’S using trains because they’re expensive as f**k and always late. Here’s what they’d have to do to be more appealing.

Run on time

If trains are even a second late in Japan heads roll, but in England we’ve got accustomed to them arriving at least twenty minutes behind schedule. As if this wasn’t annoying enough, it means you’ll miss a connection and end up having to kill an hour in Crewe station. Your journey was only meant to take ten minutes.

Introduce more railcards

The young person railcard was useful, and seniors get a discount too, but the rail industry needs to do more. How about a beleaguered commuter railcard for weary drones travelling to the office? Or a discount card for people who never leave their bag on a seat in a packed carriage? Alternatively, trains could just slash all their f**king prices.

Give you treats

People in first class get complimentary coffees and little shortbread biscuits, meanwhile the rest of us slumming it in standard class have to purchase a lukewarm croque monsieur from the overpriced buffet. If the ticket collectors started handing out Refresher bars and bottles of Tango people would return to trains in their droves.

Install massage chairs

Train seats are stiff, oddly sticky like a cinema carpet, and never give you enough leg room. To encourage people back, rail networks should rip them all out and replace them with vibrating massage chairs. You’d be so relaxed you wouldn’t even be annoyed by knobheads shouting down their mobiles about having bad reception.

Sort out the toilet doors

The controls on automatic toilet doors are confusing. Once you’ve figured out how to use them there’s no guarantee they won’t randomly swish open and expose your ablutions to other passengers. Swap them out for heavy duty door bolts you can slide into place with a satisfying clunk and know your private parts will remain private.

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Queen 'just so f**king woke'

THE Queen is the wokest, most politically correct person in the entire British Isles, it has emerged. 

The Lord-Lieutenant for London, Sir Ken Olisa, confirmed that Her Majesty supports Black Lives Matter, Extinction Rebellion, Stonewall and Antifa, and believes that all borders should be abolished.

He said: “I met the Queen, knelt as I believed was Royal protocol, and she joined me in taking the knee while holding her fist in a black power salute and muttering ‘Smash the state’.

“We got talking about her politics, which are strictly old-school anarchist with an underpinning of Mao and Marx, and she told me that capitalism is the real virus killing millions and that the revolution will be bloody and necessary.

“After that we discussed lighter topics like micro-aggressions, the necessity of trigger warnings, white fragility and the weaponising of white women’s tears, and the evils of cultural appropriation, all of which she’s zealous about.

“It was a lovely chat. Did I bring up her six palaces, position as head of the Commonwealth, vaults full of stolen jewels and treasures, towering white privilege or Prince Andrew?

“No. I didn’t want to be impolite.”