Government to build runways everywhere and let the market decide

THERESA May has announced plans to carpet Britain with runways and let the market decide.

May ended speculation about airport expansion by endorsing new runways at Heathrow, the Thames Estuary, Stonehenge and three and a half thousand other locations across the UK.

She said: “If anywhere in Britain is more than ten miles from an airport, that is an unacceptable restriction on the free movement of planes.

“If Ryanair wants access to Kensington High Street, or the New Forest, or the top of Mount Snowdon, the government should be helping, not interfering.”

The prime minister also laid out plans for a helipad on top of every building higher than four storeys, and a jetpack-recharging point at every petrol station across the land.

She continued: “With thousands of safe, convenient runways all over the country, families will find it easy to start their own airlines should they wish.”

May added that several thousand additional border guards would be deployed to stop anyone trying to get into Britain illegally or, as is looking increasingly likely, trying to emigrate.