Most immigrants are escaped Kryptonian prisoners, reveals Daily Mail

TWO-THIRDS of all immigrants were imprisoned on their home planet Krypton before escaping and heading to Britain, the Daily Mail has revealed.

The newspaper explained that the leaders of the Kryptonian migrants may be looking to forge alliances with underworld bosses, then use their unnatural strength and telekinetic powers to make humanity cower at their feet.

Daily Mail deputy head of hate Martin Bishop said: “If the information we’re putting out there is correct then we should all be worried about this.

“We have all the sympathy in the world for them after their home planet of Krypton was destroyed by a hydrogen bomb thrown from Earth, but I don’t see how that makes them our problem.

“We can’t help everyone. We’re not super men.

“That would make us some sort of master race and we’re certainly not into those kinds of ideas.”

Mail Online fan Mary Fisher: “My son is already in school with a kid called Zoltan, do we need kids called Zod as well?”


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Sunday night TV should be unrelentingly grim dramas set in hovels, says Ken Loach

KEN Loach has criticised the scheduling of costume dramas on Sunday evenings instead of plays about the debasement of the working classes. 

The director has derided the ‘fake nostalgia’ of shows like Downton Abbey, which he believes should be replaced by gritty dramas about the capitalist corrosion of the human soul.

He said: “If you want a period drama, why not Engels’s classic The Condition of the Working Class in England in 1844? 

“It’s a page-turner, and everyone can identify with an endless parade of maimed alcoholics dying alone on soot-blackened waste ground where flowers once grew.

“Or there’s plenty of scope for modern dramas about the working poor’s lives of drudgery in mould-streaked hovels, perhaps starring Caroline Quentin.

“I know when the wife and I sit down on a Sunday, we’re ready for forced prostitution, drug addiction or simply suicide. Give the people what they want.”

Loach added that crime dramas would be acceptable as long they followed police efforts to frame mentally ill men for murder while the real culprits got away.