Dead people confirm support for Trump

THE undead have pledged their support for Donald Trump in the US presidential election.

Following Trump’s claim that ‘dead people voting’ could invalidate the election result, the post-death community confirmed they would actually be voting for him.

Zombie Stephen Malley said: “My main thing is to spite the living so Donald’s got my vote. Even though he doesn’t seem to value our support, his policies are clearly targeted at the vengeful.

“For too long politicians have ignored the undead, which is a big mistake when you consider how many people have died.”

Pollsters have revealed that Trump also has a strong lead amongst demonic spirits and malevolent woodland sprites, but is polling poorly with guardian angels.

Political analyst Emma Bradford said: “Clinton’s problem may be that wood nymphs and white elves often have a low voter turnout while the cursed demonic hordes tend to be very punctual at the hustings.”

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Oh, inflation’s the least of your worries, chuckles Bank of England

THE Bank of England has promised anyone worried about inflation that soon they will look back and marvel at how naive they were.

Governor Mark Carney said: “Inflation means it will cost more money to buy food, but that’s only an issue if you have money and food is available to buy.

“I won’t call it good news, but let’s just say that’s not how our society’s going to be operating by 2019.

“Interest rates will go up, but that only matters to mortgage holders and well, I think the people of Britain will find one flooded ruin offers the same shelter as any other.”

Carney added: “Inflation’s hardly up there with war, famine, pestilence or death, is it?

“Light relief in comparison.”