Grammar pedants thrilled at collapse of Toys R Us

BELIEVERS in the correct use of English are delighted that the grammatically-baffling shop Toys R Us is closing its doors forever. 

English teachers, newspaper sub-editors and Radio 4 listeners believe the sacrifice of 3,000 jobs is well worth it for the insult of the shop’s brand to be banished from high streets.

Professor of linguistics Helen Archer said: “What was that? What was it even trying to be?

“I wouldn’t have objected to the ‘R’ if they’d bracketed it with apostrophes to make it clear it was a contraction, though for some reason it was backwards denoting Russian. Which I can’t even right now.

“But Toys Are Us? No they’re not. Toys are toys. ‘We Are Toys’ would be correct if the speakers were toys, for example in the Toy Story franchise. But they weren’t.

“We Sell Toys With Such Intense Focus We Have Deluded Ourselves That We Have Become Toys would have been an accurate title. But would head office ever acknowledge my letters? Would they fuck.

“I’m glad they’ve gone. Now I can target all my pedantry at greengrocers.”

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London pub replaced by ironic replica of itself

THE closure of a much-loved East End pub to make way for an ironic replica of itself has been greeted with widespread protests.

A Shoreditch fixture since the 1890s, the Angel & Crown is known for its red velvet bar stools, flock wallpaper and local ales, plus a menu that includes pies, jellied eels and fish and chips.

However, the premises have now been gutted and refurbished with vintage flock wallpaper and antique red velvet barstools, with “Angel & Crown” owner Tom Booker promising locally-sourced ales and a retro menu of pies, jellied eels and fish ’n’ chips.

Booker said: “Using original photographs of the pub in its heyday, we’ve created an authentic pub experience which is actually a hugely postmodern experience of planting the past in the present day.

“There’s ‘darts’, there’s a ‘busty barmaid’ who you can ‘flirt’ with, there’s a piano in the corner for if anyone wants to have a ‘Cockney knees-up’, and on Saturdays we have an ironic strip-show where we collect ‘quids’ in a ‘pint-pot’.

“Ooh. I’ve come over all Danny Dyer.”

Booker added: “We’re doing a roaring trade of hipsters costumed as builders and taxi-drivers being ironically racist. They never laugh, but that’s how I know they’re in on the joke.”