May announces tough sanctions on Jeremy Corbyn

THE prime minister has announced strict new sanctions against Jeremy Corbyn. 

The Labour leader has had his Russian passport confiscated, has been banned from appearing on Russia Today and will not be allowed to attend the World Cup in Russia later this year.

Theresa May said: “We cannot prove that Corbyn was directly involved in the attempted murder of a Russian double-agent. But, let’s face it, it’s likely.

“An attempt to expel him from the country has failed, because Putin says he has plenty of useless old Commies and does not need another one, but his attempt to subvert the Tory-rules-based order must be met with a just response.”

Corbyn said: “Neither I, nor my beloved Russia, was involved in this Russian attack on a Russian spy using Russian weapons for which Russia was unfairly blamed.

“I would have been if I had been asked, however, and honestly after all I’ve done for them it breaks my heart that they didn’t.”

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Man paying builder cash-in-hand feels like Mafia don

A MIDDLE-CLASS man paying cash for building work feels as if he has joined the Mafia, he has confessed.

With a clampdown on cash-in-hand work threatened, Tom Logan was flattered and thrilled when builder Roy Hobbs drew him into the criminal underworld in an audacious law-flouting guttering scam.

Logan said: “Roy told me he could do a discount for cash because there’s less paperwork, but we both knew that was nothing but a cover. It’s because he has nothing but contempt for the law, like in Goodfellas. 

“The plan is for Roy to come over and fix our guttering that’s been leaking since last winter. Then Roy knocks off £50, I pay cash and no one needs to know anything about it.

“There’s no paper trail and the only victim is the government. If it all goes smoothly we might pull the same stunt again with patio doors.

“I hope this doesn’t end with me burning down my own shed for the insurance money. But I can’t go back now. No way I’m living the rest of my life as a schnook.”

Hobbs said: “It’s all going through the books, but say ‘cash-in-hand’ to these types and they think they’re getting a deal.”