Greggs workers to get bonus of 1,000 steak bakes

EVERY member of Greggs’ staff will receive enough steak bakes to fill a small skip as a thank you for their loyalty, the bakery has announced.

Taking their cue from Pret A Manger, who are giving all staff a £1,000 bonus, the high street pie outlet is showing its appreciation by giving its valued team members the equivalent in meat and pastry.

Greggs employee Nikki Hollis said: “My husband reckons we could use them to insulate the loft, but I’m worried about the smell. I guess we can give some to the homeless, but even then we’ll still have shitloads left.

“Maybe there’s some sort of black market for baked goods we could flood? I’m out of my depth, to be honest.

“They’re only in date until Thursday so we need to work this out fairly quickly.”

A Greggs spokesman said: “This has nothing to do with accidentally putting an extra zero on an order to our beef mulch supplier. We’re just really kind.”

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Property developer slides down large snake to end up back at home with his parents

A MAN who nearly reached the top of the London property ladder is back at his parents’ after sliding down an enormous snake.

Property developer Martin Bishop had been climbing the ladder for a decade and he says if it wasn’t for the huge snake he could have bought Wembley stadium.

He said: “Ever since I was a kid, I dreamed of climbing the property ladder. Yep. I was a prick even when I was a kid.

“I bought a load of flats, kicked out the tenants and tarted them up for rich twats. But then this big snake appeared and instead of eating me, I slid right down it and wound back sleeping in my folks’ spare room.”

Bishop did a series of dodgy property deals with men who looked like extras from a Danny Dyer film, which he is also now blaming on the snake.

He added: “I suppose it’s like the old saying goes, ‘If you don’t want to see snakes, don’t hang about with property developers.’”