Pregnant woman launches 'Don't F**k In Autumn' campaign

A PREGNANT woman struggling to deal with the heat is spearheading a ‘Don’t F**k In Autumn’ campaign to save others from suffering like she is. 

Mary Fisher of Southampton wants to warn women to abstain from sexual intercourse entirely from September to November so they do not end up in the sweltering ready-to-drop hell that is her summer.

She continued: “I’m encouraging responsible conception by example. Don’t end up like me.

“I didn’t think about the consequences that fateful October night. I’m fine with the baby, we’d been trying for ages, but I didn’t realised I’d be lugging this cannonball around in 22-degree heat like I’m in training for the Paras.

“Do it in January. Make sweet, child-conceiving love on Valentine’s Day. Spend your entire summer holiday screwing yourselves raw. I couldn’t care less.

“But please, for your own sakes, don’t hump from the beginning of the academic year until you hear Mariah Carey’s sleigh bells. Save yourselves.

“I’ve got three fucking weddings to go to in the next month. I will deliver my message there.”

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Nation laments start of Crocs season

THE UK is lamenting the start of Crocs season.

The country has now officially entered the annual three-month window in which the ridiculous rubber shoes are upgraded from shameful garden wear to out-in-the-open footwear.  

While understandably distressing to those who do not wear them, even Croc-havers admit to being disgusted at sight of them in public.

Nikki Hollis, reluctant owner of two pairs, explained: “You hear it on the high street as the summer begins: that horrible, sweaty  squeaking.

“Yes I wear them, but that’s because I have bad arches and anyway I’m clearly not a normal Crocs person.

“Everyone else in them looks like they’ve escaped from some sort of secure unit.”

In response, the public has begged for the return of flip-flops, however bad the feet in question.  

A spokesperson said: “All is forgiven – the hairy toes, the yellow nails and the weird soles that look like grated cheese. It’s all fine. Just please god no more Crocs.”