Group of tired, miserable people actually networking

A GROUP of conference attendees making strained conversation at the bar have realised they are networking.

The delegates at the Birmingham print management event at first sipped wine silently while waiting for something to happen before working out this was actually it.

Carolyn Ryan of Leicester said: “I was discussing the future of direct mail with a man staring at the floor when suddenly it dawned on me I was doing something really dynamic and exciting.

“You hear about people networking all the time but, like skydiving, you never think it’ll ever be you.

“I was assessing people entirely based on their potential value to my career, giving out business cards, and fake laughing at print industry jokes.

“I really feel like I’m on my way to becoming a deeply unpleasant, status-obsessed bully.”


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Rural residents unable to smell manure

LOCALS in a Somerset village have flatly denied claims of a pervasive smell of excrement.

The eye-watering stench is often commented on by visitors to the puzzlement of residents unable to detect this “stink of shit” everyone refers to.

Londoner Tom Booker said: “Getting out of the city and into nature is so wonderful, apart from the sickening reek of faecal matter that follows you around.

“At first I presumed it was just what fresh air smelled like, but then I traced it to a large tank full to the brim of animal ordure. Apparently everyone out here has one.

Locals have dismissed Booker’s claims, baffled as to how a 7ft dung heap could bother anyone.

Bill McKay said: “These city folk are all the same, with their fancy suits and unnatural aversion to piles of rotting shit.”