UK hit by terrorist shed burglaries

A WAVE of terror-related break-ins have been reported from garden sheds, garages and outhouses.

Police fear terrorists armed with power tools, hedgetrimmers and half-empty pots of Dulux Once could be planning a major attack before the end of the year.

Inspector Joseph Turner said: “After being told we’re too busy with terrorism to investigate petty crime, the victims call back with fresh information that the burglaries are connected to ISIS.”

Homeowner Stephen Malley said: “They took my mountain bike, a jetwasher and an 18v combi drill.

“It’s terrifying to think of what they could do with that kind of arsenal. It was definitely ISIS, not local kids, because the shed smelt of extremism.”

Domestic terror-related crimes last peaked in the 1970s, when the IRA launched a campaign of kicking footballs through windows and leaving innocent children to take the blame.

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Russell Brand crucifixion ‘could save mankind’

ATTACHING Russell Brand to a big cross would probably sort everything out, it has been claimed.

Researchers found 81 per cent public support for a heroic act of self-sacrifice by the shiny-toothed messiah figure.

Plumber Tom Logan said: “I never understood the Jesus thing – how anyone can do anything of practical value while nailed to bits of wood? – but I am led to believe it really helped fix things.

“Stuff seems pretty screwed at the minute so I’m thinking Russell came along at just the right time. Let’s give it a go.”

Mother-of-two Mary Fisher said: “Crucifying Russell Brand could be the catalyst for a worldwide alternative revolutionary religion based on fairness, love and people being really cool with each other.

“At the very least it would be a big live TV event, bringing everyone together on the sofa with lots of Doritos and dips.”

Brand’s spokesman said he was ‘theoretically open to being crucified’ but only once he has finished work on Arthur 3 and delivered the manuscript to his next book, My Bible-Wible.

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