Lord Freud tells disabled to rent out their wheelchairs

A GOVERNMENT minister has urged disabled people to rent out their wheelchairs when they are not sitting in them.

Welfare minister Lord Freud said wheelchair users could supplement their income when they are asleep or on the lavatory.

He added: “Wheelchairs look like they would be great fun, but I don’t want to buy one. I would be wiling to pay maybe £20 an hour.

“Disabled people would then be running their own businesses, rather than cluttering-up offices and getting in the way of people who are at least worth the minimum wage.”

Martin Bishop, a wheelchair user from Peterborough, said: “If I rent it out between 11pm and 7am I could make £160. That’s not bad. I assume there are millions of people who want to rent a wheelchair in the middle of night.

“And it usually takes me about half an hour to have a shit, so there’s another tenner.

“Who is Lord Freud and why hasn’t he been promoted?”


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Becoming Scotland's first minister was a piece of piss

Dear Holly,

The battle to become Scotland’s first minister turned out to be a piece of piss. I’m thinking I’ll aim higher next time, maybe go for Supreme Leader of the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea or something. Am I getting too big for my boots?

Nicola Sturgeon


Dear Nicola,

Spiderman tells us that with great power comes a cool spandex costume and the chance to jump off the roof of next door’s garden shed. But Spiderman is rubbish and so is Batman and so is GI Joe. As a strong woman in a position of power you need to ask yourself, what would Barbie do? The answer is probably just to smile vacantly, wear high heels, remain naked from the waist up and do the splits as much as possible.

Hope that helps,