Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with IKEA?

IKEA customers queue for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

How do you like to spend Saturday mornings?

A) A lie-in with my partner, followed by sex that is both enjoyable and cements our relationship.
B) Buying 400 tealights.

What is your idea of a good meal?

A) A roast with all the trimmings, a nice creamy vegetarian lasagne or a juicy steak.
B) Cold fish balls in a cardboard box.

If you were offered the opportunity, which of these activities would you prefer?

A) Drinking champagne on a yacht.
B) Walking for about six miles through an endless maze of bland Scandinavian interiors, carefully writing down long numbers, unsure if the experience will ever end or if this is Hades.

How would you build a house?

A) I would employ professionals to do that.
B) I would buy 35,000 bricks in cardboard boxes and cement in a different box then assemble it myself with wooden pegs to hold it together as my partner, afraid of my rising homicidal anger, leaves me.

What is the ultimate meaning of life?

A) A philosophical question like this cannot be addressed without lengthy reference to the works of Kant and Wittgenstein.
B) A £17 coffee table.


Mostly As: You are not hopelessly addicted to Ikea like some sort of furniture-obsessed junkie.

Mostly Bs: You are tragically obsessed with Ikea, and may contract the coronavirus because of it. But they do make very affordable Bjursta extendable dining tables.

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The smug bastard's guide to sending greetings cards

DO you make friends and family feel guilty by always sending birthday and thank you cards? Try being even more irritating:

Get them in early

Nothing makes your lazy and disorganised friends feel worse about having missed your last 15 birthdays than receiving a card from you weeks in advance. Accompany it with a guilt-inducing text to let them know you thought ahead ‘just in case of delays’.

Show off your beautiful handwriting

Showcase your impossibly neat handwriting in a variety of beautiful inks to make your friends feel inferior. Why not go all out and use a calligraphy pen? Then you’ve proved that you’re not only more organised but more creative than them.

Include pets’ names

Including kids’ names is kid stuff. Hope a dog, cat or tortoise ‘is feeling well’ to really unsettle recipients who probably can’t even remember the name of your spouse. Pop on a paw print too for that extra puke factor!

Glitter it up

A card covered in glitter is enough to ruin anyone’s week, but to really upset them why not throw in confetti? It’s a gift that will keep on giving for years, perhaps even decades, as they continue to discover tiny cut-out balloons between the sofa cushions and hiding in plain sight on their forehead.

Send a gift too

If you really want to compound their guilt, send a present along with the card. That way the pressure begins immediately and only gets worse when they forget your birthday/new job/wedding. And make sure the gift’s just too big to fit through the letterbox to ruin their week with a stressful trip to a parcel office.