Have you got a tragic, life-endangering obsession with Ikea?

IKEA customers queued for three hours to buy Ekets, Skogstas and of course Möjlighet yesterday. Is your life meaningless without Swedish flatpacks?

How do you like to spend Saturday mornings?

A) A lie-in with my partner, followed by sex that is both enjoyable and cements our relationship.
B) Buying 400 tealights.

What is your idea of a good meal?

A) A roast with all the trimmings, a nice creamy vegetarian lasagne or a juicy steak.
B) Cold fish balls in a cardboard box.

If you were offered the opportunity, which of these activities would you prefer?

A) Drinking champagne on a yacht.
B) Walking for about six miles through an endless maze of bland Scandinavian interiors, carefully writing down long numbers, unsure if the experience will ever end or if this is Hades.

How would you build a house?

A) I would employ professionals to do that.
B) I would buy 35,000 bricks in cardboard boxes and cement in a different box then assemble it myself with wooden pegs to hold it together as my partner, afraid of my rising homicidal anger, leaves me.

What is the ultimate meaning of life?

A) A philosophical question like this cannot be addressed without lengthy reference to the works of Kant and Wittgenstein.
B) A £17 coffee table.


Mostly As: You are not hopelessly addicted to Ikea like some sort of furniture-obsessed junkie.

Mostly Bs: You are tragically obsessed with Ikea, and may contract the coronavirus because of it. But they do make very affordable Bjursta extendable dining tables.

Neighbour blaring music in garden actually made this mixtape for you

THE blaring music from next door’s garden is actually a playlist they have especially put together for you, they have nervously admitted. 

43-year-old neighbour Tom Logan has spent the last month putting together a playlist to impress you and now the weather is nice just really wants you to hear it.

He said: “I love making mixtapes for people, and I thought it might make us closer together. So I waited until you were sitting down with a cup of tea and your phone before I put it on.

“I noticed you have a framed poster of a motorcycle in your conservatory, which I can see into from the garden. So I threw on some AC/DC, some Motörhead, a bit of Hawkwind, all that.

“And you often hang ripped black T-shirts on your washing line so I chucked in a bunch of emo nu-metal: Paramore, Evanescence, a little Linkin Park. Only the best for you.

“Anyway I’ve just seen you’ve unlocked the back door and you’re coming out to water the plants so I’m cranking up the volume and you’re in for a treat.

“Hope you like live versions of Thunderstruck, because I’ve put three in a row together for a total of 18 shredding minutes. Consider this my curated soundtrack to your life. You’re welcome.”