Tuesday, 26th January 2021

School weird and frightening and also still shit, reports six-year-old

A SIX-YEAR-OLD has confirmed that the socially distanced school he has returned to is odd and scary while remaining crap and boring. 

Oliver O’Connor said that he does not like sitting on his own on a table with yellow-and-black tape around it, that Mrs Traherne’s face shield is creepy, that playtime made him cry and that reading is dull and maths is stupid.

He said: “Most of my friends aren’t here. We have to bring in our own packed lunch and play on our own in a hula-hoop in the playground. And Bradley who I haven’t seen since March is a poop from a bum.

“We’re not allowed in the corridor if there’s any other class there and they shout at us not to touch anything. It’s really weird and I don’t like it, and also I didn’t like it before.

“I’m going home and crying loads and pretending it’s making me damaged like I heard mum say she was worried about on the phone. It might be. Or it might just be school.”

Headteacher Margaret Gerving: “Come on England and send your kids to bizarro school, they won’t learn anything and they’ll give you COVID-19. Another great plan from the Tories.”