School weird and frightening and also still shit, reports six-year-old

A SIX-YEAR-OLD has confirmed that the socially distanced school he has returned to is odd and scary while remaining crap and boring. 

Oliver O’Connor said that he does not like sitting on his own on a table with yellow-and-black tape around it, that Mrs Traherne’s face shield is creepy, that playtime made him cry and that reading is dull and maths is stupid.

He said: “Most of my friends aren’t here. We have to bring in our own packed lunch and play on our own in a hula-hoop in the playground. And Bradley who I haven’t seen since March is a poop from a bum.

“We’re not allowed in the corridor if there’s any other class there and they shout at us not to touch anything. It’s really weird and I don’t like it, and also I didn’t like it before.

“I’m going home and crying loads and pretending it’s making me damaged like I heard mum say she was worried about on the phone. It might be. Or it might just be school.”

Headteacher Margaret Gerving: “Come on England and send your kids to bizarro school, they won’t learn anything and they’ll give you COVID-19. Another great plan from the Tories.”

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'I lost my job because of coronavirus', says man fired for sexual harassment and daytime drinking

A MAN who claims to have been made unemployed by the pandemic was actually sacked for making inappropriate office advances while drunk. 

Martin Bishop lost his marketing job in February but is claiming to acquaintances and job interviewers alike that it was somehow a consequence of the lockdown, not being a pissed-up lecher.

He said: “I’m a victim of economic circumstance, like so many others. I won’t complain. I gladly made that sacrifice.

“Honestly I’m managing fine, apart from missing the camaraderie of the office, the lunchtime pints, chatting to the girls in the afternoon, all that.

“Sure, some things I don’t miss – all the bloody meetings with bloody HR about some stupid bloody misunderstanding – but I’ll be back on my feet in no time. Hopefully somewhere with a 3:1 female-male ratio.”

Former colleague Hannah Tomlinson said: “What’s he on about? He got kicked for hanging round the coffee machine with an open bottle of Baileys slurring at any women who came near.

“Oh, and emailing pictures of his dick. I’ve still got one saved on my desktop. I can send that out as his reference, if he likes.”