How to pretend you used the last ten weeks for something useful

LOCKDOWN is kind of over, a bit, so you need a good spin on it for your CV. Try these seven claims:

Developed focused new skillset

Ten weeks ago, no way could you balance a family-size bag of Kettle Chips on your gut while scheduling an eight-person Zoom call. Now you do it every day.

Studied the ancient art of mime

Partly for essential gestures such as ‘Waitrose Greek yoghurt, full-fat’ when deciphering your elderly parents’ shopping requirements through their front room window, but mostly for miming writing answers while looking them up on your mobile during quizzes.

Business consultation for start-up with ambitious growth goals

Advised your friend Donna that now might not be the best time to start that pop-up selling artisan marshmallows skewers. Advice ignored.

Home-schooled challenging educational group to an excellent standard

You ran a tight ship and introduced firm, traditional concepts like History, Maths and Right, Both Go On Minecraft Dungeons While My Boss Calls.

Self-researched alternative medicine

When you had a migraine but the chemist was shut, who knew that the cure was 12 Jaffa Cakes and a shot of limoncello?

Effectively delegated

Your 82-year-old neighbour was going to the shops anyway and had the benefit of the dedicated 7am shopping slot. Picking up a few boxes of Stella wasn’t going to kill her, was it?

Connected with your real hopes and dreams in life

Most importantly, you realised during this unprecedented global pandemic that life is a precious gift and that deep down you always wanted to work with animals. Equipped with this new awareness and self-knowledge, you are preparing to continue being a credit control supervisor because you need to pay for your car.

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16 injured in this weekend's eye tests

SIXTEEN Britons have injured themselves this weekend in complications relating to the new eye-testing system, police have confirmed. 

Following the relaxation of lockdown, thousands of motorists have rushed to the roads to self-administer the new eye tests, so far resulting in 16 injuries. 

Optician Helen Archer said: “This is a 1,600 per cent increase on the previous number of injuries while taking optometric exams, which was one in 40 years. 

“It’s understandable that after ten weeks without an eye-test Brits are desperate to check their peepers but we fear that the new eye tests, which involve getting in your car and driving roughly 60 miles to a local beauty spot, have flaws.

“One man worried he may need glasses drove at 115mph along the M6 with his head out the side window to simulate that bit where the optician blows air in your eye. Which is all according to government guidelines.” 

A Government spokesman said: “This is utter nonsense. The new deregulated exams are foolproof. 

“Many of those injured had failed to take a four-year-old child with them in the back seat to warn of possible dangers. They’ve only themselves to blame.”