Hayward To Get About 12 Lives Back

BP chief Tony Hayward will finally get his life back today, as well as the average earnings of at least 12 other lives.

Hayward will be fired by the oil giant but handed a severance package that will allow him to fuck about even when he is not at work.

BP is expected to agree a £12m pension pot, roughly equivalent to the average lifetime earnings of a dozen ordinary British people who manage to go about their working day without killing everything in the sea.

A BP spokesman said: “It is only right and proper that Mr Hayward be recognised for the key role he played in standing around looking peeved and then saying it wasn’t his fault.

“While it is now time for BP to move forward under new leadership, we are sure that Mr Hayward will be able to bring his standing around expertise to other buck-passing enterprises, such as an airline or a nuclear power station.”

Meanwhile sources close to Hayward said that luckily BP had given him a large enough salary to be able to buy a massive yacht and then pay people to sail it for him.

A friend said: “The only reason he has been willing to accept £12m is because he already has a yacht. Yachts are really expensive at the moment.”

It is understood Mr Hayward’s lawyers began negotiating his severance package about 2.4 seconds after he used the phrase ‘I’d like my life back’ in reaction to a disaster which claimed 11 oil rig workers.

Industry analyst, Stephen Malley, said: “I presume if he’d said ‘I’m really chuffed they’re dead’ he would only have got about eight or nine million.

“He’s played it brilliantly.”


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Arseholes Who Think They're Good At Driving Celebrate Speed Camera Victory

GOVERNMENT plans to scrap speed cameras were last night welcomed by middle-aged men who believe themselves to be excellent drivers.

Council cuts could see thousands of cameras scrapped and melted down, though pro-death campaigners have called for them to be recast as statues of Jeremy Clarkson doing 60 past a school while eating a scotch egg and listening to some pile of shit from the 1970s.

The move has also been hailed as a rare victory for common sense, in a country where anti-establishment voices like Clarkson’s are often restricted to prime-time television, national newspaper columns and six-figure book deals.

Tom Logan, a 52-year-old managing director of a hosepipe factory, said: “When I’m behind the wheel it’s a perfect synergy of man and machine. Especially after a long boozy business lunch, with the top down on the Saab as I root around the glove box for that Fleetwood Mac CD with the grand prix theme on it.

“As I’ve said before to everyone I’ve ever met, speed cameras exist purely to steal money from law-abiding people like myself and use it to subsidise experimental theatre.”

He added: “Fat lesbians. A disabled black man. A cock-eyed gypsy with a lisp.”

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “Young drivers are often very resentful towards speed cameras, but as you grow up you realise that a car is actually a very large bit of metal. Or you become one of those arseholes that you hear so much about.”

But Roy Hobbs, a 48-year-old who has his own pint glass behind some bar, insisted: “Fundamentally, I believe I should be able to go as fast as I want, wherever and whenever I want. Because that’s what I want. Is that too much to ask?

“It’s actually a French-black-homo-perpetuated myth that pedestrians die when they get run over. Most of the ones I’ve hit have immediately apologised for denting my bonnet before agreeing with me that it’s actually the fault of some health and safety officer from Queeristan.”

Wayne Hayes, the real name of a person who drives a bright orange Ford Focus, added: “If they do get rid of speed cameras I’ll have nothing to believe in. But it’s okay, because Jeremy will tell me what to believe in.