Hip young entrepreneur opens trendy cafe in town that only eats pies

A YOUNG businessman is convinced his fashionable eatery in an unadventurous Northern town will start making money soon.

Nathan Muir opened Parsley and Grape in a small town in Yorkshire believing local people would be thrilled to try new cuisine but has so far only sold 40 cups of tea.

Muir said: “I don’t understand it. I thought these culture-starved simple folk would be dying to try exciting big city food like cold Thai noodle salad with spicy quinoa.

“I expect there just hasn’t been time for a word-of-mouth buzz to get going. There’s probably a massive foodie community begging to be freed from the tyranny of chicken and mushroom pies.

“I really don’t want to reach the conclusion that the locals are all pie and gravy swilling beasts who’d eat out of a trough like pigs if it had chips in. I don’t want to say that at all.”

Pub landlord Norman Steele said: “I once put carbonara on the menu here and the locals thought I was trying to poison them. They actually threatened to burn the pub down.

“My advice is to encase everything in pastry and serve it chip shop-style. I can’t imagine miso and tofu pie with mushy peas and gravy is very nice, but it’s his best bet.”

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Britain determined to make Keep Calm and Carry On posters necessary

THE UK is determined to make things so desperate that ‘Keep Calm and Carry On’ merchandise is a necessary part of everyday life. 

Britons feel it is a shame that the iconic poster, created in wartime, was never actually used and believe it is worth wrecking everything to give it a chance to shine.

Office manager Roy Hobbs said: “In 2013 I looked at my Keep Calm cushion and thought it was a terrible pity Britain was too happy and prosperous for it to be anything but ironic.

“I decided to do everything I could to make it truly necessary. I voted UKIP, at the next election I voted for Cameron, then obviously for Brexit, and now Corbyn’s on board I’ll vote for that twat too.”

Mum-of-two Mary Fisher said: “I really wanted to get the most out of my Keep Calm mug, poster and biscuit tin so I’m totally committed to our current slide into economic ruin.

“I hope that once we’ve left the EU with a disastrous no-deal people will see the words shining from their walls, T-shirts and dog baskets and really feel inspired by them.

“You’ll have lost your job and the supermarkets will be empty, but you’ll be able to go ‘Ha, that’s funny.’”