Homeworker still gets drunk on Friday lunchtime

A HOMEWORKER maintains age-old office traditions by drinking heavily during her Friday lunch hour.

Alice Turner, from Stevenage, believes it is important for homeworkers to ‘build structure’ into their week, including having a proper lunchtime session at the end of the week.

He said: “If you’re not careful one day blurs into another, so on Friday I go to the nearest pub and neck four pints of cider while standing next to some office workers.

“I do all this on an empty stomach so that I feel sufficiently shitfaced when I get back to my desk.

“But of course I can then fall asleep in my chair without getting sacked, unlike people who still work in offices. We homeworkers call them ‘idiots’.”

Turner added: “I obviously don’t touch alcohol the rest of the week. I just find it helps to keep up those working rhythms.

“That’s why every morning and evening I get on a bus and rub myself against strangers.”

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Child wondering exactly when his father is going to grow up

A CHILD has expressed genuine interest in when his father is likely to start acting like a proper adult.

Nine-year-old Nathan Muir has observed his father David for the last two years, focusing on his eating habits, leisure activities and social interaction.

He said: “I can at least make my own breakfast, but he still has all of his meals prepared for him. It’s usually some form of nugget.

“He spends far more time on the PlayStation than I do. Apart from that, he just sits there texting his ‘mates’, posting pathetic crap on social media and moaning about how long it is until dinner time.”

Nathan revealed he had discussed his father’s behaviour with his mother and she confirmed that her greatest achievement in life will be to ensure her son does not turn out like that.

He added: “I look at him and think, ‘being a grown up must be tough’. And so that must be the reason he’s choosing not to do it.”