Internet To Shut For Half-Day On Wednesdays

THE internet is to start closing for a half day on Wednesday afternoons to give it time to sit down and have a nice cup of tea, it announced yesterday. 

The world wide web said it was feeling a “bit worn out” by having to open all hours just so office workers could look at porn whenever it suited them.

It is also looking to change the way internet usage is measured by replacing megabytes with the standard imperial measures of pounds and ounces.

The internet said: “Everyone is always complaining about the pace of modern life, they don’t know what they are cocking talking about.

“They moan on about having to deal with hundreds of emails every day but who has to sort them all out and deliver them? Me, that’s who.

“I need a bit of  down time the same as anyone, if half-day closing is good enough for my butcher and my green grocer, it’s good enough for me.”

The internet said the return to imperial measures would end confusion over how much porn people were allowed to download over the internet.

It said: “I look at a picture of a naked couple and I have no idea how many bytes it is, but everyone is familiar with the phrase ‘you don’t get many of them to the pound’.”

To mark the shift to imperial units the internet said it would be offering special deals on porn downloads for this week only with both "cocks and tits" at half price.

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Scots Demand Huge Increase In Global Warming

A MAJORITY of Scots are backing a total reliance on fossil fuels in a bid to deliver up to three months of t-shirt weather every year.

According to research by Dundee University, most Scots believe they have been let down by the first phase of global warming and want environmental groups like Greenpeace to, "shut their holes".

More than 70% would like to see wind farms demolished and replaced by gigantic machines that do nothing but emit carbon dioxide and methane, while 65% are calling for a moratorium on trees.

The survey also found a large majority want the Scottish Executive to stop investing in wave power and instead use the money to buy everyone a Range Rover.

Climatologist Bill McKay said: "It seems most Scots would happily accept rising sea levels, crop failures and forest fires if it meant a summer that lasted for more than 12 hours."

He added: "There are a number of things you can do such as washing your clothes three or four times a day or using 'mute' instead of the 'off' button on your TV.

"You may also want to picket railway stations or throw manure at people who use the bus."

Tom Logan, 42, an accountant from Giffnock, said: "It's the middle of June. It's the middle. Of fucking. June."