Internet To Shut For Half-Day On Wednesdays

THE internet is to start closing for a half day on Wednesday afternoons to give it time to sit down and have a nice cup of tea, it announced yesterday. 

Internet traffic is to be measured in pounds and ounces. Like plums.

The world wide web said it was feeling a “bit worn out” by having to open all hours just so office workers could look at porn whenever it suited them.

It is also looking to change the way internet usage is measured by replacing megabytes with the standard imperial measures of pounds and ounces.

The internet said: “Everyone is always complaining about the pace of modern life, they don’t know what they are cocking talking about.

“They moan on about having to deal with hundreds of emails every day but who has to sort them all out and deliver them? Me, that’s who.

“I need a bit of  down time the same as anyone, if half-day closing is good enough for my butcher and my green grocer, it’s good enough for me.”

The internet said the return to imperial measures would end confusion over how much porn people were allowed to download over the internet.

It said: “I look at a picture of a naked couple and I have no idea how many bytes it is, but everyone is familiar with the phrase ‘you don’t get many of them to the pound’.”

To mark the shift to imperial units the internet said it would be offering special deals on porn downloads for this week only with both "cocks and tits" at half price.