Kickstarter ignores cancer cure in favour of gnome hat

A CANCER cure has lost out on Kickstarter to a humorous scheme to buy a garden gnome a hat.

The groundbreaking cancer project set up by Cambridge-trained scientists raised £47 compared with the £3,745,980 given to Australian Tom Logan to buy headwear for his gnome, ‘Dunky’.

28-year-old Logan said: “With all the money I’ve raised, Dunky’s getting the best hat in the world. And by ‘hat’ I mean ‘prostitutes and blow’ and by ‘Dunky’ I mean ‘me’.

“I never expected to make this because there are so many other worthwhile Kickstarter projects out there, like building statues of Batman or developing browser-based fantasy games.

“Dunky has told me to tell everyone how excited he is about his new hat and he’s looking forward to all his gnome buddies coming round to see it.

“Or something.”

Scientist Mary Fisher said: “I just hope when everyone’s got cancer they remember the seconds of amusement they got from funding another whimsical internet viral.”

A spokesman for Kickstarter said: “Funding for projects is totally democratic, and therefore largely based on the folly of idiots.

“If you’ve got a worthwhile project, couch it in terms that appeal to the sort of dicks who will fund anything to do with legal marijuana, superhero porn and ‘bronies’.

“For example if you’re designing a nautical warning beacon, you might want to add a detachable bong in the shape of Wonder Woman.”

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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
You hate clumsily surreal comedy as much as a diamanté otter hates filling in an application form for a pilot’s license.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
Tomorrow, you borrow the Pitbull album out of the library. Just to stop anyone else doing it.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
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Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
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Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
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John, I can’t help but feel that a camp that farms both melons and cougars is a bad business plan.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
Monday is a good day to catch up with your family, after they dumped you in a lay-by during a driving holiday.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
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Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
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Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
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Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
All you’re asking for is a fair day’s pay. A fair day’s work? Oh, stuff that.