Leading economists call for new ways to dispose of Osborne

NINE top economists have published an open letter calling for a new approach to lifting Britain out of George Osborne.

Suggestions included kidnap, brainwashing, firing from a cannon into Ben Nevis and dismemberment by gorillas.

The last two are expected to provide a substantial one-off boost to tourism that would more than make up for the extra bank holiday.

Professor Tom Booker, from the London School of Economics, said: “Killing Osborne is the easy option. Any ordinary member of the public could come up with that, as this petition signed by 43.8 million people demonstrates.

“As experts, we need to find some way of harnessing the terrifying power of his black hole of anti-knowledge.

“I think we should launch Osborne into space, position him in an orbiting satellite and threaten to bombard hostile nations with advice on creating a business-friendly tax climate with flexible workers.”

But Dr Eleanor Shaw, from Warwick University, said: “We need to make Osborne chancellor in a virtual reality – a computer-simulated Britain identical to the real thing, so that everything he does, we can do the opposite.”

Some experts believe, however, that Osborne is part of a top-secret programme to develop a breed of superhumanly incompetent chancellors.

One economist, who refused to be named, said: “They took some of Gordon Brown’s spit, mixed it with Norman Lamont’s hair grease and then let it ponce about at Oxford for three years.”

But the chancellor insisted: “We’re in negative growth, yes, but I’ve been on a management training course that taught me how to turn negatives into positives so everything’s brilliant.”



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Don't judge Pussy Riot until they've made first album, say critics

ROCK critics have urged the public to suspend judgment on Pussy Riot until they have proved themselves worthy of four or five star reviews.

So far the all-girl Russian punk band have released just the one single, which critics say is not enough to form a scientifically valid musical opinion.

Former NME journalist Wayne Hayes said, “Do Pussy Riot have any courage? Will they play it safe and go for a crowd-pleasing, down-the-line selection of Green Day-style punk anthems, or will they do something daring, such as take on a dubstep or even a neo-dubstep direction?

“Originality is the true challenge for a rock band. Contriving to get sent to jail for two years strikes me as a suspiciously convenient way of ducking that challenge.”

Tom Logan, the UK blogger who posts as ‘Spectacles Rage’ said: “I was disgusted when Pussy Riot gutlessly accepted the praise of hoary old relics like Paul McCartney and Madonna. Sid Vicious, Ian Curtis and Kurt Cobain died rather than suck up to Paul McCartney.

“Integrity is death and death is integrity. We understood that once upon a time – but I suppose that’s too much to ask of today’s cosseted generation of rockers.

“Also, I wouldn’t have hidden behind pathetic euphemisms – I’d have called myself C*nt Riot. And I wouldn’t have let myself get arrested the way they did – I’d have fought back. No concessions, no compromise.”

But Simon Cowell, praised Pussy Riot, adding: “The pretty one should think about going solo. Ditch the other two and stop hiding behind that balaclava.”