Londoner bewildered by laptop-free cafe

A LONDONER visiting a Costa Coffee in Stoke-on-Trent cannot understand where all the laptops have gone.

Nathan Muir of Crouch End who was in the Potteries on business visited the cafe to get some work done but was astonished to find, instead of serried ranks of silent headphone-wearing workers at laptops, a few pensioners enjoying a hot drink.

He said: “I must have gone in the wrong door or something. This isn’t any kind of cafe I recognise.

“Yes it sells coffee, but that’s not really what a cafe’s for, is it? That’s just how you rent your space. Are those students talking? Don’t they realise there are people trying to… oh. I suppose there aren’t.

“And the looks they all gave me when I got mine out. They were no less startled than if I’d plugged in my own table lamp.

“I did spot one bloke in the corner with a laptop later, but it was some kind of strange black plastic laptop, not the proper silver kind that real workers have.

“These people don’t live lives that I can understand. I’m never going back.”

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Teenagers at isolated camp on Friday 13th dutifully prepare to be murdered

A GROUP of teens staying at an isolated location have realised it is Friday October 13th and are resigned to their inevitable murders.

The teenagers, who were planning to party for two days at their misty camp deep in Snowdonia, only realised what day it was on arriving and have described their looming slaughter as ‘a real bummer’.

17-year-old Eleanor Shaw said: “Aw man. Murdered by a maniac with a grudge and a mask. And I was really looking forward to this weekend.

“I should have realised when there was no phone reception that someone was hiding in the woods to pick us off one by one in various gruesome ways, but I was all like ‘Whoo! Let’s skinnydip!’

“I suppose we do get to experiment with booze and sex for a bit first, but still it’ll cast a shadow over the whole thing. Plus I know he’ll kill me first, because I’ve got boobs.

“Bloody Friday the 13th. Which one is that? Him with the mask, or that one with knives for fingers?”

Shaw added: “Wait, why won’t Simon put his GoPro down? Seriously, is this one of those cheap-ass ‘found footage’ ones?

“Bollocks to this. I’m going home.”