Lone well person in office feeling left out

THE only healthy person on his office floor is considering faking a chesty cough to fit in better.

Adjuster Stephen Malley is the sole person in his department not to have managed to catch even a cold during January, and is finding himself cut out of conversations.

He said: “Everyone’s snotty, everyone’s hawking phlegm, and they communicate in loud hacking coughs that resonate around the office like mating calls.

“They’re all in the kitchen comparing symptoms and boasting about how little sleep they got last night, but the minute I walk in it’s silent apart from the sniffles.

“I’ve tried faking but they’re such connoisseurs they can tell there’s no rattle from six desks away. All I can do is keep drinking from other people’s mugs and hope for the best.”

But account manager Julian Cook said: “A cold? He thinks that’s going to get him into our Beechams Bunch WhatsApp group?

“I’ve now got severe pneumonia, which means I’m pretty much a VIP in the office, and that I may die.”