Loyalty card holders ‘must show total loyalty’

ALL loyalty card holders must show complete obedience, supermarkets have announced.

Nothing comes for free

Cardholders must renounce all other supermarkets and be prepared to unquestioningly follow orders from their favourite chain even if it means killing their relatives.

Sainsbury’s executive Nikki Hollis said: “Customers will have to prove their loyalty in a variety of ways, for example by buying a whole shelf of pastries or pistol-whipping an undeserving fellow shopper.

“Alternatively we might order them to work on the tills if we’re short-staffed, or to firebomb Aldi.

“Refusal will result in them losing all their Nectar points and being sent to a Sainsbury’s ‘re-education’ camp.”

A Waitrose spokesman said: “We’re on the lookout for signs of disloyalty to Waitrose, such as a Tesco Clubcard in someone’s purse or a casual reference to how cheap Lidl is.

“Their right to free tea and coffee will immediately be rescinded, with repeat offenders receiving a visit from a gang of hired thugs in an Ocado van.”

Shopper Tom Logan said: “The staff in Morrisons started screaming and punching me when they saw my re-usable Co-op bag, but with a qualified in-store fishmonger who’s going to complain?

“Also I’ve heard that if all the supermarkets disown you, you have to live on Happy Shopper products.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

‘Daylight’ just slightly lighter darkness

SO-CALLED daylight is now just a slightly diluted version of the night, it has been confirmed.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “There currently is no daylight, just as there is no real day. All we have is different hues of darkness.

“Maybe in March, if we are all still alive by then.”

Shopfitter Wayne Hayes said: “I gave this ‘natural light’ a go by going out at lunchtime and found myself stumbling blindly around until I fell into a skip.

“When I returned to the office I was mercilessly mocked for daring to hope.

“But what would this daylight be good for, anyway? What is there to see outside but rain, dead trees, wet brick, the skeletons of roadkill?”