Man in suit feeling pretty f**king special

A MAN wearing a business suit feels purposeful as fuck, it has been confirmed.

Stephen Malley, 24, is confident his charcoal grey jacket and matching trousers give him an air of authority as he strides around town like he owns the fucking place.

Malley said: “Clothes make the man, and as you can see, I am wearing some extremely important clothes. This suit underlines the fact that I am an alpha male, and not to be fucked with.

“I stopped at Costa for a takeaway espresso, but I asked for it in an enormous cup, to prove I’m seriously fucking big-league.”

Malley added that anyone who saw his double-vented jacket and his shiny fuck-off tie pin would know at once that he was a no-nonsense risk taker who spent his life outside the box, and would treat him accordingly.

He added: “Some people on the train jostled me earlier, but I let it go because they were wearing suits too, and we in the suit-wearing community will accept physical contact from our peers of equal sartorial status.”

Eyewitness Nikki Hollis said: “Look at that suit. Look at how elegantly it fits his manly shoulders. He must be on his way to a glamorous office full of equally important, well-dressed people.

“I cannot help but feel inferior in comparison.”

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Hard local man wrongly assumed to be ‘Movember’ participant

A LOCAL hard person with a moustache has aggressively confirmed that he has never heard of Movember.

41-year-old Wayne Hayes was approached in a Somerset pub by tourist Tom Booker, who asked how much money he’d raised.

Bridgwater-based Hayes, who works in a quarry and has a fight at least once a fortnight, replied: “I don’t know what the fuck you’re on about mate.”

Booker then explained that Movember is an annual thing where people grow facial hair for charity. Hayes, who has had a moustache since he was 14, quickly became angry.

He said: “You don’t come in here chopsing off unless you want a slap. If you’ve got some sort of problem let’s talk about it outside.

“Otherwise fuck off.”

Booker then returned to his seat and left the pub shortly afterwards. He said: “I also really liked his stonewashed denim jacket, I was going to ask him if he got it from a vintage shop. I’m not going to do that now though.”

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Men under 50 who have moustaches for reasons other than fashion or fund-raising are all hard. Often they are quite small and wiry but they could very easily kick your head in.”