Mary Portas seen giving mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to jewellery shop

MARY Portas has been filmed desperately attempting to resuscitate a dying branch of Warren James jewellers in Margate high street.

The self-proclaimed Queen of Shops was alternately blowing air into the shop’s letterbox and pumping her spread hands at its facade while shouting “Don’t you dare die on me,” according to witnesses.

Nikki Hollis said: “She was on her knees saying ‘Stay with me! Stay with me! Don’t go towards the light!’ and beating her balled-up fists on its doormat.

“Then she turned towards the bystanders and started shouting ‘You did this! You could have bought a 9ct gold glitter twist necklace for £45, but instead you stood by and watched a good retail outlet die!’

“Then she finished the bottle of brandy she’d been swigging and threw it at a bus with a Tesco advert on the side.”

Portas’s Save The High Street campaign is widely thought to have failed because not enough Britons feel they have a moral obligation to financially support shops.

The retail guru was seen later the same day frantically using a defibrillator on Thomas Cook in Market Rasen before screaming “Why?” at the sky.

The Mash guide to the must-have toys this Christmas

CHRISTMAS is coming, and more importantly so is Black Friday, so it’s time for parents to dig deep and queue for eight hours for this year’s must-have toys. 

Obligatory Disney Doll

This doll from a Disney film reinforces unattainable standards of female beauty, has three different outfits but is often dragged around the house by its hair unsettlingly nude, and requires parents to sing along with 15 seconds of empowering hit Girls Can Be Wizards Too or it will cry.

Little Green Families Eco-Friendly Sustainable Playset 

Aimed at the worst type of Guardian reader, this playset consists of wooden dolls living in a sustainable recycling community with composting toilets. Comes with carbon-neutral locally-sourced small creative business. Costs £200, because these people will pay anything.

Star Wars VII: The Last Jedi toys

New figures and vehicles from the latest instalment in the Star Wars saga will see dads enthralled for hours creating their own thrilling stories with Rey, Finn and Captain Phasma while their grateful children get some uninterrupted time on the tablet.

Surprise! You’ve Been Ripped Off!

Popular ‘surprise’ toy offers 50 individual gifts in a single package, with the slight drawback that they are all shit. Ideal for six-year-old girls who want eight skin-disfiguring bath bombs, a flashing keyring and 20 badly moulded Warhammer rip-off figures.

Nerf M18 Claymore Directional Anti-Personnel Mine

A replica of the Vietnam war favourite in blue and orange plastic, this remotely-detonated mine fires hundreds of high-velocity foam balls at unsuspecting victims. Guaranteed to make grandparents say “It could have an eye out.”

Horrible Slowly-Hatching Thing

No Christmas would be complete without some furry mechanical horror that claws its way out of an egg. Currently most popular is the £79.95 Super Baby Breedimal that ejects edible babies from its anus.

Noveltoids

Green furry spheres made from cheap nylon with eyes stuck on. Punted out by a cynical Chinese toymaker on the off-chance they might catch on. Retailing at £12.99 each in theory and £50 on eBay. The only thing children who still believe in Father Christmas will ask for, so pay up.