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UK Demands Porn As Basic Human Right

MOST people in the UK believe the right to toss themselves silly is as important as clean, running water, according to new research.

In a Digital Britain survey, 75% of respondents said high-speed broadband and its cargo of unremitting smut should be included in the United Nation's Charter on Basic Human Rights.

Researcher Charlie Reeves said: "For the majority, housing, health care and primary school education are nowhere near as important as eye-watering close-ups of splayed orifices from every corner of the globe.

"Many say they would even give up electricty, though of course most of them are too wank-dazed to work out how they would power their laptops without it."

Bill McKay, a Darlington-based muck enthusiast, said: "I don't care if the dead are left unburied and the water supply is filled with ebola, as long as my Mpegs of Bulgarian basket fisting download in less than 30 seconds."

Many are angry with government's failure to provide universal broadband access, while lawyers said it undermined the European Union's commitment to ensure poorly-lit footage of slate-eyed Russians joylessly pistoning into bored prostitutes.

But culture secretary Andy Burnham insisted: "We are working hard to ensure that one day, every man, woman and child will be less than a minute away from something utterly repellent."

Tory leader David Cameron supported the survey results stressing it was 'vital Britain is able to see, via live streaming, the moment Gordon Brown finally flips and runs screaming from Downing Street, smeared in his own kak'.