May pays full price for item in Sports Direct

THERESA May has bought the only non-discounted item in Sports Direct, it has emerged. 

The prime minister was visiting the Maidenhead branch of the sporting retailer and, despite being surrounded by deeply discounted items, manage to make a beeline for the single item that was full price.

Store manager Wayne Hayes said: “She paused at a Lonsdale hoodie and a Slazenger bucket hat, which were 90 per cent off though still dreadful value for money.

“But somehow she picked up a Donnay umbrella – you’ve probably seen them abandoned and broken at the end of any outdoor event – that we’d missed when slapping massive fuck-off luminous stickers on everything slashing their prices.

“She took it to the counter and didn’t flinch when she was told the price was £39.95 which nobody’s ever paid in the history of the store.

“Credit to her, she went through with it even though she’d really bollocksed it up. Give her that at least.”