Miliband unveils first energy price increase

LABOUR leader Ed Miliband has announced the first of his promised hikes in the price of gas and electricity.

The inaugural increase, in conjunction with SSE, is a robust 8.2%.

Miliband said: “We made a promise and we have delivered.

“I want to thank SSE for acting so promptly. They understood every word I said in my excellent speech.

“They have taken an early lead in the ‘race to the cap’. Well done.”

He added: “I hope the other energy companies will follow suit and use the next 18 months to roll out as many price hikes as they possibly can before I become prime minister of this great country.

“In fact, I am sure they will.”

Experts said Miliband’s energy price policy has been a ‘game changer’ for the Labour leader, as the public will now see him as a man who can get things done.

Martin Bishop, professor of gesture politics at Roehampton University, said: “Ed Miliband is making a real difference to people’s lives. And isn’t that the dream of every politician?”

A spokesman for SSE said: “We are looking forward to raising prices with Mr Miliband until he becomes prime minister of this great country and then working with him closely to make sure the price cap never happens”

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New MI5 boss seems really paranoid

BRITONS are worried that the head of MI5 seems really paranoid about terrorism.

Andrew Parker claimed that thousands of Islamic extremists see the UK public as a legitimate target, provoking concern that he is a bit ‘Barry Lloyd’.

Plumber Tom Logan said: “My guess is that he’s been smoking too much skunk. That shit can really give you the fear.

“It’s scary though, they’ll let anyone run an intelligence agency these days.”