Mini Cooper owners even worse than you suspected

PEOPLE with Mini Coopers are even worse than you had assumed, it has emerged.

New research revealed that 86 per cent of Britons immediately ’take against’ drivers of the fancy fucking sports hatchback, which experts say is not actually unfair.

Car analyst Mary Fisher said: “Generally it is bad to judge people but in the case of Mini Cooper drivers it is fine.

“Just look at the thing. It isn’t right or good.

“Mini Cooper drivers fall into three basic categories – jumped up little bastards making their mark in the property industry, leathery businesswomen who think they have sexual charisma and spoiled rich girls with weird flirty dad relationships.”

54-year-old Mini Cooper S driver Helen Archer said: “When I’m in my snazzy hatchback, driving around Cotswolds market towns with my Dior shades on and the confidence that comes from reasonably effective chin lift surgery, I know that I could have any man I want. Any man.”

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Ask Holly: I am pleased with myself for winning Bake Off

Dear Holly, 

I’m very pleased with little old me for winning Sport Relief Bake Off. People probably thought I was just a posh skinny MILF but now they know I am so much more than that. Now I am on a winning streak do you think I should apply for Sewing Bee? I could make a patchwork quilt in celebration of our public services, and then rip it up and sell it off, piece by piece.

Samantha

London 

Dear Samantha,

We do baking at school but we’re not allowed to use sugar because it is banned, or wheat because three of us have a wheat intolerance, or milk because seven kids are lactose intolerant, or nuts because the teacher has a nut allergy. Meat isn’t an option because there are several vegetarians, and we can’t use dairy because there is a vegan (who no-one likes). So in baking class we do painting instead.

Hope that helps!

Holly