Humanity not ready for Easter egg-sized Creme Egg

SCIENTISTS have confirmed that you are not ready for an Easter egg-sized Cadbury’s Creme Egg.

Humans have long craved a Creme Egg the size of a child’s head, but scientists today revealed we could not handle it, physically or emotionally.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute of Studies said: “We created one in a lab and brought in a cross-section of society to try to eat it. Twelve of them are now permanently insane.”

Test subject Martin Bishop said: “It was like eating a hand grenade made of sugar. I went temporarily blind halfway through.

“I kept munching though, even through the darkness, because I really like Creme Eggs.”

Nikki Hollis who also took part in the test added: “I was spooning the fondant out like it was soup, but passed out after three big mouthfuls.

“While unconscious I had a vision of going to an Inca-style temple made of chocolate and fondant and meeting Sug-Ra, the god of extreme sweetness, who told me I had been very greedy.

“But when I came to I carried on eating the fucker.”

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Nice people planning surprisingly heartless break-ups

PEOPLE who seemed quite nice are preparing to split up with their partners in surprisingly brutal ways, they have revealed.

Thousands of apparently warm and loving individuals intend to leave their partners totally confused as to whether they were going out with a wonderful person or a cold emotional android.

Charity worker Nikki Hollis said: “Now I’ve decided to split up with Josh, the only question is whether to do it with a four-minute conversation in a Costa or an email titled ‘Bad News’.

“Maybe leaving a note in his letterbox would do.”

Accountant and otherwise pleasant person Stephen Malley said: “There’s no easy way to split up with a long-term girlfriend, so I might as well do it by text. At least it’ll give her something to refer back to.

“I’ll cushion the blow by explaining we can still be friends. I do mean that, we could really be friends and go to the cinema together in a platonic way, I would be fine about that because I have no feelings for her.

Malley’s girlfriend Nikki Hollis said: “I can’t tell whether he was always secretly a bastard or if he just dumped me in a really cold way because he was nervous about it. Let’s assume he’s a bastard.”