Miserable Osborne returns to life of cocaine and prostitutes

A DEJECTED George Osborne has returned to the empty parade of escort girls and drug abuse that made up his life before being chancellor. 

The man who was expecting to lead the country within four years is instead a virtual recluse, his only visitors an endless procession of high-class prostitutes and lieutenants from Colombian drug cartels.

Osborne, sitting slumped in front of a glass-topped table piled with cocaine, oblivious to the undulating pole dancers on either side, said: “It’s all over for me.

“I used to be somebody. My visionary austerity policies were dragging Britain out of recession and into surplus. Now what have I got?

“I’m just one more has-been falling asleep in a four-poster bed buried in five giggling girls every night, only ever glimpsing myself in the mirror with a rolled-up £50 in one nostril.

“I don’t know how ordinary people live like this. I don’t know how they bear it.”

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May orders spin doctors to develop second facet to her personality

THE new prime minister has ordered her PR team to ‘flesh out’ her character beyond stone-faced authoritarianism. 

Theresa May has demanded the team come up with a second dimension for her, after criticism that she was catapulted to stardom far too early after the departure of other big names.

A source said: “Theresa May is basically a cardboard cutout that tells you to stop it now while staring unblinkingly forward.

“We’ve got a team developing her, but it’s like suddenly having to write a sympathetic detective spin-off about Clash of the Titans’ Medusa. 

“And she’s not helping. We tried her being into classical music. No. We thought about sudoku? No. Big Countdown fan? Someone got punched for that one.

“We can do this. I mean, the team who came up with Hitler liking dogs thought it’d never fly, but it’s still going around 80-odd years later.”