Larry the cat replaced with Gary the rottweiler

THERESA May has unveiled the new Downing Street pet, a 150-pound rottweiler called ‘Gary’.

Gary will take over Larry the cat’s pest control duties as well as assisting the new prime minister in discussions with foreigners.

The four-year old dog, whose previous role was guarding a scrapyard in Harlesden, will also attend Cabinet meetings.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “The prime minister and Gary are of one mind when it comes to dealing with unwanted intruders. They also share a deep suspicion of strangers and a fondness for raw meat.

“With his take-no-prisoners approach to his opponents, Gary is the ideal companion for Mrs May and the perfect representative of Brexit Britain.”

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May to be safe pair of... oh she’s f**ked up already

THERESA May has promised to be a steady hand on the tiller before fucking up hugely on her first day in charge. 

The new prime minister’s promises to guide Britain sternly and sensibly were cautiously believed for up to five hours before the appointment of Boris Johnson as foreign secretary, setting a new record in losing the nation’s trust.

Political commentator Julian Cook said: “I was literally writing the last sentence of a piece about how we’d seen the end of an era of rash political gambles when May announced that she had shat the national bed.

Boris Johnson, Foreign Secretary is the title of a lottery-funded British straight-to-streaming sex comedy, not an actual political decision a rational person could make.

“May has set out her stall by fucking up with hugely impressive alacrity and in a manner that leaves the electorate in absolutely no doubt that this is the first of many ruinous misjudgments on her part.

“If she can keep this up she’s in with a chance of being the most hapless imbecile we’ve had leading the country since, well, David Cameron, I suppose..

“To think, just yesterday afternoon we all thought she was ruthlessly efficient. Seems like years.”